■■■BMNHNi 


A  BUNCH 


<A^ 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

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http://www.archive.org/details/bunchofyarnsrareOOcahiiala 


A  BONCH  OF  YARNS 


A.NT) 


RARE  BITS  OF  HUMOR 


c4n    Origina.t   Collection   of   After-*Dinnef 
Stories,  Humorous  Anecdotes  and  Side- 
splitting fokes.  Contributed  by  the 
Leading   Humorists   of   the 
Vaudeville  Stage 

TO     W^HIOB     IS     ASDBD 

A  Selection  of  Convivial  Toasts 

Compiled  and  arranged  by 

F.  J.  CAHILL 

Comedian 


CAREY-STAFFORD  COMPANY 

NEW  YORK  NEW  ORI,EANS 

63  5th  Avenue  319  Carondelet  Street 


Cf" 


Copyright  1906 
By  CARBY-STAFFORD  CO. 


CAUTION. 

As  most  of  the  matter  in  this  bock  it 
original,  or  obtained  by  special  permis- 
sion, publishers  and  compilers  are  re- 
spectfully cautioned  against  using  same 
without  written  permission. 


CONTENTS. 


A  Bashfxtl  Beau 17 

A  Business  Tbansaction 44 

A  Chhiap   Feed 80 

A  Complete  Give-Away 79 

A  Domestic  Tragedy 59 

A  Fast  Horse 35 

A  Good  Suggestion 106 

A  Group  of  Swedish  Jokes 78 

A  Hint  to  Lovers 115 

A  Lucky   Turkey 20 

A  Misunderstanding 109 

A  Modest  Maid   (Poetry) 86 

A  Narrow  Escape 46 

An    Explanation 18 

A  New  Disease 86 

A  New  Name  fot  It 128 

A  New  Way  to  Get  Money 62 

An  Odd   Specimen 89 

Another  Kind  of  a  Cat 87 

An   Unfortunate   Affair ; 117 

A  Piano  Doctor 71 

A  Seance  of  Forgetfulness 129 

A  Slip  29 

A    Smart   Kid 125 

A  Story  of  a  Kiss 48 

A  Truthful  Verdict 21 

At  the  Ball 71 

A  Summer  Idyl    (Poetry) 66 

A  Sure  Winner 64 

A  Yankee  at  the  Thhi&tre 41 

Banana  Peel,  The  (Poetry) 15 

Band  Was  Always  There,  The 81 

Bangs  That  Caught  On 124 

Barrymore's  Fear  147 

Bill-Berries    99 

Both  Gone  8 

Breaking  Up  a  Monopoly 12 

But  One  Billy  Birch 43 

Casex's  Discovery    47 

3 


Rare- Bits  of  Humor. 

Caset  in  London 2^ 

Changeu^ble  Mails    144 

Cheap  for  Cash 90 

Cheek    47 

Circumstantial  Evidence   8 

Close  Quarters    110 

Complete  Stock  96 

Convivial   Toasts    150 

Correcting  a  Mistake 132 

Delay   is   Dangerous 74 

Delicately  Done  130 

Didn't  Even  Keep  Lent 100 

Didn't  Find  Her  Honey 26 

Doctor  and  the  Monkey,  The 19 

Efficacy  of  the  Countersign,  The 138 

Equivalent    36 

Fair   Graduate,    The 105 

Filled  a   Want 113 

Fly  Soup    50 

Follow^ed  the  Prescription 102 

French    Fun 58 

From  Pillar  to  Post 123 

|From  Sole  to  Upper 62 

"Fwas   Wollen   Sie  Haben?" 61{ 

GrOOD  Reason   87 

"Got  Him  Dah" 56{ 

Had  Good  Reasons 73J 

Have  Met  Before 921 

He  Called   Chauncey 14 

He  Caught  the  Egg 2S 

IHe  Got  the  Job 531 

He  Knew  What  Was  What 10| 

jHer   Top   Sheet 511 

He  Was  Posted 142' 

|He   Was   Right 76 

iHe  Worked  the  Boss 79 

His  Charge   93 

His  Good  Luck 58 

His  Own  Grandfather 143 

^His  Reason   115 

^is  Remedy            63 

4 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


His  Wife  Was  With  Him 142 

"HocH  Deb  Kaiseb"   (Poetry) 28 

How  A  Woman  Does  It 84 

How  TO  Get  Rid  of  Him 136 

Hugging  the  Shore  (Poetry) 45 

HuLLY  Gee  Sweet  Mabie    (Poetry) 24 

In  the  Same  Box 20 

Irish  Bees   16 

Irish  vs.  Gebman 34 

Joker  Is   Now  Missing,  The 113 

Kisses  by  Mah, 148 

Mildred  Corrects  Her  Brother 99 

Milky  Way,  The 22 

Miss  Murray's  Stories 97 

Mbs.  Murphy's  Sarcasm 31 

No  Advantage 85 

"No  Flies  on  Her" 107 

No   MoBE   Kissing 137 

Norma  Whalley's  Pabbot 41 

Not  a  Fast  Colob 88 

Not   His   Fault 60 

Observations   55 

Oh,  BB.VCE  Up 94 

On  the  Staibs 112 

Obder  Cancelled   118 

Out  of  Sight 113 

O  Woman.  Lovely  Woman 135 

Paddy  Burns'  Prisoner 127 

Pabalyzing 37 

Pabtial   Success    50 

Patrick's  Day  on  Apbil  5 83 

Pat's  Feab 65 

Pat's  Reason    Ill 

Pat's  Seesaw 103 

Play  Is  On.  The 68 

Precautionary  Flattery  11 

Presence  of  Mind 69 

Pbetty  Maid,  The  ( Poetry) 82 

Pboblem  Solved  in  Sweden 33 

f*ROVOCATION    73 

Punning  , 67 

5 


Rare- Bits  of  Humor. 

Question   in    Geammae 67 

Religious    Item    93 

Removing  Temptation   21 

Restriction   Removed,   The 70 

Retort   Courteous,   The 133' 

Sauce  for  the  GtOose 91 

Scaled  Vituperation    59 

Seeing  Things   (Poetry) 101 

She  Got  the  Verdict 119 

She  Married  a  Lord 134 

Spanish  Love    65 

So   Glad    120 

|SOETER     SlX)OPIN'     13 

Steering  Clear  of  Sin 104 

Such  a  Liar 57 

Sullivan  and  Albert  Edwaed 114 

Suspicious    139 

Think  'Em  Over 131 

Toast,  The    39 

To   His  Advantage 31 

Too  Much  foe  Him 140 

Too  Much  Mouth 35 

Vaccination  in  the  Hub 75 

Wanted  to  Acquit  Him 30 

What's  in  a  Name? 7 

What  Killed  Him 144 

What  Killed  the  Pabeot 63 

Wheee  He  Was  Geeat 146 

Which,  What  and  Why 100 

Why  Hee  Tempee  Was  Bad 136 

Why  She  Was  Salted   (Poetry) 77 

William  Goat,  The 108 

With  All  Her  Faults  I  Love  Hee  (Poetry)  122 

Wondebful  Pbospeeity   95 

YouTzuuL  I>Er&4yiiY  27 


A  BUNCH  OF  YARNS 

AND 

AFTER-DINNER  STORffiS* 


WHAT'S    IN    A    NAME? 

An  Irish  soldier  in  a  local  regiment 
during  the  late  war  arrived  at  camp  late  one 
night.  He  was  challenged  with  the  usual 
"Who  goes  there  ?" 

After  pondering  a  few  moments,  and  the 
challenge  heing  repeated,  and  thinking  he 
might  avoid  punishment,  he  answered: 

"Kitchener."' 

He  was  immediately  knocked  down  with 
the  butt  end  of  a  rifle. 

While  he  was  on  the  ground  ruefully  rub- 
bing his  head,  the  sentry  exclaimed: 

"Why,  it's  Callaghan!  What  did  ye  say 
it  was  Kitchener  for?" 

"Shure,"  came  the  answer,  "when  ye 
would  do  this  to  Kitchener,  phwat  would  ye 
do  to  Callaghan?" 


CIRCUMSTANTIAL  EVIDENCE. 

Senator  Depew  at  a  lawyers'  dinner  talked 
about  circumstantial  evidence.  Then  he  told 
this  story: 

7 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"A  young  and  pretty  girl  had  been  out 
walking. 

"On  her  return  her  mother  said: 

'^  'Where  have  you  been  my  dear  ?' 

"  'Only  walking  in  the  park,'  she  replied. 

"'With  whom?'  pursued  her  mother. 

"  'No  one,  mama,'  said  the  young  girl. 

"  'No  one  ?'  her  mother  repeated. 

"  'Then,'  said  the  older  lady,  'explain 
Jiow  it  is  that  you  have  come  home  with  a 
walking  stick  instead  of  an  umbrella/" 


BOTH  GONE. 

The  other  night  a  merchant  in  a  village 
in  Ohio  was  discovered  in  his  store  at  an 
unusually  late  hour,  and,  in  reply  to  in- 
quiries, he  said : 

"My  confidential  clerk  is  missing." 
"And  what  of  it?" 

"Why,  I'm  looking  over  the  books,  but 
they  seem  to  be  all  square." 
"Have  you  counted  your  cash?" 
"Yes,  and  it  is  correct  to  a  dollar." 
"Looked  over  your  bank  book?" 
"I  have,  and  it  is  satisfactory.       That's 
the  puzzle,  you  see.     He's  skipped,  and  I 
can't  make  out  what  for." 
8 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Been  home  since  noon?" 

"No." 

"Perhaps  he  has  eloped  with  your  wife." 

"Lands  alive !  but  it  may  be  so !  If  it  is, 
then  the  puzzle  will  be  solved." 

He  hurried  home,  and  it  was  so,  and  he 
felt  a  great  anxiety  off  his  mind. 


A   DEAD   HEAT. 

"What's  the  funniest  thing  I  ever  saw?" 
repeated  the  gentleman  of  sporting  tenden- 
cies. "Well,  I  guess  it  was  a  dead  heat  in 
an  event  where  there  was  only  one  entry." 

"How  in  the  world  was  that  ?"  came  from 
the  other  end  of  the  store,  and  when  the 
answer  came,  "A  cremation,"  the  questioner 
ordered  the  drinks. 


WELL   POSTED. 

Jerry  Simpson  one  day  while  eulogizing 
Daniel  Webster  referred  in  complimentary 
terms  to  his  dictionary.  A  friend  pulled 
Simpson's  coat-tail  and  whispered,  "Noah 
made  the  dictionary."  Simpson  gave  him 
a  scornful  look  and  whispered  back,  "Noah 
built  the  ark." 

9 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

HE    KNEW    WHAT   WAS   WHAT. 

ELL  me,  "How  did 
you  manage  to  win 
her  affections  so 
quickly,  Dan?  The 
recipe's  worth  know- 


ing 


?" 


"Oh,  that  was 
simple  enough,"  re- 
plied he.  "The  first 
night  I  arrived  al 
the  lodging  house 
in  Australia  I  found 
myself  sitting  next  to  a  young  woman  at 
supper,  who  I  soon  found  was  one  of  the 
newly  arrived  immigrants.  I  looked  her 
over  and  saw  a  round,  strong,  cheery-look- 
ing lass,  with  laughing  face,  and  thought 
she'd  do.  I  didn't  know  how  to  go  foolin' 
around  her  to  find  a  soft  place,  but  just 
spoke  a  word  or  two  with  her,  and  when  we 
came  out  into  the  passage  gave  her  a 
squeeze  and  a  kiss. 

"Says  she,  'How  dare  you!' 
"Says  I,  'I  wants  to  marry  you,  my  dear.' 
"  'Marry  me !'  cries  she,  laughing.    'Why 
I  don't  know  you  I' 

lO 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor.         "^ 

"  'No  more  do  I  know  you,  my  Hear/ 
says  I ;  'so  that  makes  it  fair  and  equal.' 

"She  didn't  know  how  to  put  a  clapper 
on  that,  so  she  only  laughed  and  said  she 
couldn't  think  of  it. 

'"Not  think  of  it,'  says  I,  artful  like, 
'not  when  you've  come  all  these  thousands 
of  miles  for  the  purpose?' 

"  'What  do  you  mean  ?*  says  she,  staring. 

"  'Come  now,'  says  I,  *I  knows  what's 
what..  "When  a  man  immigrationizes  it's  to 
get  work;  when  a  woman  immigrationizes 
it's  to  get  married.  You  may  as*  well  do  it 
at  once.' 

"Well,  she  giggled  a  bit,  and  we  were 
spliced  two  days  afterwards.'* 


PRECAUTIONARY    FLATTERY. 

"Can  I  see  the  lady  of  the  house?"  in- 
quired the  pedlar  of  the  woman  who  opened 
the  door. 

"Well,  yes,  you  can  if  you  ain't  blind," 
was  the  answer. 

"Oh,  beg  pardon,  madam;  you  are  the 
lady  of  the  house,  then?" 

"Yes,  I  am.  What  d'yer  take  me  for? 
Did  yer  think  I  was  the  gentleman  of  the 
II 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor 

house,  or  the  next  door  neighbor,  or  one 
of  the  farm  hands,  or  the  cat,  or  the  ice 
chest?" 

The  pedlar  smiled. 

"I  didn't  know,  madam,  but  that  you 
might  be  the  youngest  daughter." 

"Oh,  did  yer?"  said  the  lady  of  the 
house.  "Well,  that  was  nat'ral,  too.  What 
have  you  got  to  sell  to-day?" 

Then  the  pedlar  displayed  his  wares,  and 
when  he  left  that  doorstep  half  an  hour 
later  his  face  was  full  of  pleasure  and  his 
pockets  full  of  money.  He  evidently  under- 
stood human  nature  and  made  a  good  sale. 


BREAKING  UP  A  MONOPOLY. 

Rube — How  much  for  a  ticket  to  New 
York? 

Ticket  Seller — Two  dollars. 

"I'll  give  you  a  dollar  and  a  half." 

'Get  away  from  the  window." 

"Well,  how  will  a  dollar  and  seventy- 
five  cents  strike  you,  young  man?" 

"No." 

"All  right.  Now  I'll  not  go  to  New 
York  at  all,  and  you  don't  get  a  darned 
nickel  out  of  me." 

IJ 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


SORTER    SLOOPIN'. 

Y  attention  was  at- 
tracted to  an  old- 
fashioned  prairie 
schooner,  with  a 
broad  stretch  of  tar- 
paulin, which  rolled 
into  St.  Louis  last 
week  and  came  to  a 
stand  in  front  of  a 
small  hotel.  The 
sight  was  so  novel 
that  a  reporter 
hailed  the  bronze  driver,  asking  where  in 
the  world  he  was  bound.  "Arkansaw," 
was  the  reply;  "we're  all  the  way  fr'm 
Kane  County,  Illinoy,  and  we're  heading  f'r 
the  Red  River  kentry."  At  that  moment 
certain  menagerie-like  sounds  issuing  from 
the  depths  of  the  wagon  led  the  reporter  to 
glance  in.  As  he  did  so  a  woman's  face 
went  blushingly  back  under  the  cover  and 
several  children  bobbed  their  heads  up  in- 
quiringly. "You  seem  to  have  a  good  deal 
of  a  family,"  said  the  scribe.  "Yaas,  in 
fact  I've  got  two  families."  "Two  fami- 
lies?" "Um-hum,"  he  grunted  affirmatively. 

13 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"You  see,  Samanthy  ther's  got  nine  young 
ones  and  I've  got  seven,  and  they  ain't 
quite  shook  togither  yet.  Way  back  in 
Kane  County  we'd  knowed  each  other  for 
some  time.  Samanthy  there  her  husband 
wan't  no  count;  he  got  to  hog  steaUn'  and 
then  he  got  into  the  pen  at  JoHet,  and  my 
wife  war  poor  and  sickly,  and  so  I  shipped 
her  on  to  the  folks  in  Indiana  and  Samanthy 
and  I  started  for  Arkansaw.  As  we  kem 
by  Joliet  she  went  and  saw  her  old  man, 
Hez  Ward,  an'  he  gev  his  consent." 

"So  you're  eloping?" 

"Well,  we  are  sorter  slopin'." 


HE  CALLED  CHAUNCEY. 

The  president  of  a  Wisconsin  railroad 
called  on  Chauncey  Depew  one  day  for  a 
pass. 

"If  you  will  give  me  a  pass  over  your 
road,  Mr.  Depew,"  said  he,  "I  will  extend 
you  the  same  courtesy  over  my  road." 

"How  long  is  your  road?"  inquired  Mr. 
Depew. 

"Well,  we  are  operating  sixty-seven  miles 
this  year." 

"What,  sixty-seven  miles,  and  you  call 
14 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

tfiat  an  exchange  of  courtesy,  and  the  Van- 
derbilt  system  has  its  thousands  of  miles." 
"Well,  Mr.  Depew,"  said  the  Western 
railroad  president,  as  he  arose  to  go,  "your 
road  may  be  a  little  longer  than  mine,  but 
it  ain't  any  wider." 


THE  BANANA  PEEL 

Like  the  bar  of  the  beaten  gold 

I  gleam  in  the  summer  sun; 
I  am  little,  I  know,  but  I  think  I  can  throw 

A  man  that  will  weigh  a  ton. 
I  send  out  no  challenges  bold, 

I  blow  me  no  vaunting  horn. 
But  foolish  Is  he  who  treadeth  on  me; 

He'll  wish  he  had  ne'er  been  bom. 

Like  the  flower  of  the  field,  vain  man 

Goetn  forth  at  the  break  of  day; 
But  when  he  shall  feel  my  grip  on  his  heel. 

Like  the  stubble  he  fadeth  away; 
For  I  lift  him  high  up  in  the  air. 

With  his  heels  where  his  head  ought  to  be. 
With  a  down-coming  crash  he  maketh  his  mash. 

And  I  know  he's  clear  gone  upon  me. 

I  am  scorned  by  the  man  who  buys  me, 

I  am  modest  and  quiet  and  meek; 
Though  my  talents  are  few,  yet  the  work  that 
I  do 

Has  oft  made  the  cellar-doors  creak. 
I'm  a  canary-colored  Republican  bom. 

And  a  Nihilist  fearless  I  be; 
Though  the  head  wear  a  crown,  I  would  brlns 
its  pride  down, 

U  it  sets  its  proud  heel  upon  me. 

15 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

IRISH    BEES. 

District  Attorney  Reeves  of  Lx)s  Angeles, 
Cal.,  appreciates  a  good  story  and  tells  one 
of  an  Irishman  that  will  bear  repeating. 

"Some  people  object  to  releasing  pris- 
oners on  a  floater  because  of  the  fact  that 
the  renegades  are  turned  loose  upon  other 
communities.  That  reminds  me  of  the 
Irishman  who,  after  reaching  America,  was 
full  of  homesick  brag,  in  which  nothing  in 
America  even  approached  things  of  a  simi- 
lar variety  in  Ireland.  In  speaking  of  the 
bees  of  the  ould  sod  and  he  grew  especially 
roseate  and  said : 

"  'Why,  the  baze  in  that  counthry  is  twice 
as  big  as  in  this.  Indade,  they'er  bigger 
than  that.  They're  as  big  as  th'  shape  ye 
have  in  this  counthry  !* 

"  'Bees  as  big  as  sheep !'  said  his  incredu- 
lous listener.  'Why,  what  kind  of  hives  do 
you  have  to  keep  them  in?* 

"  'No  bigger  than  the  ones  in  this  coun- 
thry,' was  the  reply. 

"  'Then  how  do  the  bees  get  into  the 
hives?'  he  was  asked. 

"'Well,'    replied    the    Irishman,    'that's 
their  own  dom  lookout.' " 
l6 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


A   BASHFUL   BEAU. 

ESS,  your  beau 
seems  very  bash- 
ful," said  mam- 
ma to  her  daugh- 
ter. 
"Bashful!"  echo- 
ed the  daughter, 
"bashful  is  no 
name  for  it." 

"Why  don't  you 
encourage  him  a 
little  more?  Some 
men  have  to  be  taught  how  to  do  their  court- 
ing.    He's  a  good  catch." 

"Encourage  him !"  said  the  daughter,  "he 
cannot  take  the  most  palpable  hint.  Why, 
only  last  night  when  I  sat  all  alone  on  the 
sofa,  he  perched  up  in  a  chair  as  far  away 
as  he  could  get,  I  asked  him  if  he  didn't 
think  it  strange  that  a  man's  arm  and  a 
woman's  waist  seemed  always  to  be  the 
same  length,  and  what  do  you  think  he 
did?" 

"Why,  just  what  any  sensible  man  would 
have  done — tried  it." 

"He  asked  me  if  I  could  find  a  piece  of 
17 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

string  so  we  could  measure  and  see  if  it 
was  so. — Ain't  he  a  horrible  man?" 


AN    EXPLANATION. 

A  wealthy  New  York  gentleman,  who  has 
got  a  frisky  wife,  observed  that  his  footman 
had  bought  an  entirely  new  suit  of  clothes 
and  had  his  beard  dyed. 

"What  a  ridiculous  idea  that  is  for  you 
to  be  fixing  up  that  way,"  said  the  gentle- 
man. 

"Well,"  said  the  footman,  "you  dye  your 
mustache  and  fix  up,  too." 

"I  know  that,  but  I  do  it  to  please  my 
wife." 

"Well,  ain't  that  what  I  do  it  for?" 


CAR    FARE. 

An  Irishman  who  keeps  a  saloon  found 
his  cash  was  always  short,  so  he  said  to  his 
Jew  bartender  one  day : 

"Levi,  did  you  take  any  money  out  of 
the  register  last  night?" 

Levi  says:  "Yes,  I  took  my  car-fare 
home." 

The   Irishman    says:     "Where   do   you 
live?    In  San  Francisco?" 
i8 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

THE    DOCTOR    AND    THE    MONKEY. 

The  wife  of  a  celebrated  Western  divine 
has  such  a  fancy  for  Angora  cats  that  she 
has  a  room  devoted  to  them,  leading  out  of 
which  a  gallery  is  built,  so  the  animals 
can  have  exercise  and  fresh  air  without 
wandering  away. 

An  old  college  friend  met  the  doctor  on 
the  street  lately,  and  not  having  seen  each 
other  for  some  years,  the  meeting  was  most 
pleasant.  At  last  he  asked :  "George,  what 
are  you  doing  now  ?" 

"Well,"  said  he,  "I  am  married,  am  pas- 
tor of  a  fine  church  and  get  a  good  salary." 

"And  your  wife?" 

"My  wife !  my  wife !  oh !  she  is  in  the  cat 
raising  business." 

In  addition  to  the  cat  craze,  a  monkey 
was  added  to  the  household  menagerie,  and 
all  went  pleasantly  until  one  day,  as  the 
doctor  stepped  into  his  bath,  the  monkey 
jumped  in  with  him.  Then  there  was  wrath 
in  the  old  man's  eye,  when  after  a  brief 
struggle  he  left  the  bath  tub,  holding  the 
monkey  by  the  neck,  both  dripping  with 
water,  marched  into  the  presence  of  his 
good  lady,  saying:  "Madam!  thi$  monkey 

id 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

business  has  gone  too  far;  you  must  de- 
cide between  me  and  the  monkey." 

She  looked  placidly  up  from  a  cat  she 
was  petting,  saying:  "Doctor,  will  you 
give  me  twenty- four  hours  to  decide?"  The 
monkey  is  still  a  member  of  the  household. 


IN   THE   SAME    BOX. 

"You  have  been  in  the  army  a  great  many 
years,  but  I  have  not  heard  of  your  captur- 
ing anything,"  said  an  old  Washington  co- 
quette to  a  somewhat  venerable  officer  of 
the  army. 

"You  ought  to  have  a  fellow-feeling  for 
me,"  was  the  reply. 

"How  so?" 

"Because  we  both  know  what  it  is  to  grow 
old  "without  making  any  conquests." 


A    LUCKY   TURKEY. 

After  having  listened,  at  a  Christmas 
dinner,  to  Jones'  stale  jokes,  Smith  said: 
"I  say,  Jones,  the  Christmas  turkey  is  luck- 
ier than  we  are." 

Jones — In  what  way? 

"He  isn't  stuflFed  with  chestnuts  until 
after  he  is  dead." 

90 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

REMOVING  TEMPTATION. 

Deacons  Smith  and  Jones,  two  pillars  of 
the  church,  were  working  in  the  hayfield  on 
a  Virginia  farm.  Suddenly  Deacon  Smith 
called  out  excitedly : 

"What  dis  ah  dun  foun'  in  dis  haystack?" 

'TLjOok  ter  me  lack  er  jug  ob  licker/'  Dea- 
con Jones  responded,  his  eyes  rolling. 

Both  deacons  pondered,  and  presently 
Deacon  Smith  said,  gravely: 

*^ro'  Jones,  don'  yo'  "low  we-all  better 
drink  up  dis  hyah,  les'  some  po'  weak  brud- 
der  fin'  hit  an'  fall  by  the  wayside?" 


A  TRUTHFUL  VERDICT. 

A  clergyman  who  had  accepted  an  invita- 
tion to  officiate  at  Sunday  services  in  a 
neighboring  town  entrusted  his  new  curate 
with  the  performance  of  his  own  duties.  On 
returning  home  he  asked  his  wife  what  she 
thought  of  the  curate's  sermon. 

"It  was  the  poorest  one  I  ever  heard,"  she 
replied,  promptly — "nothing  in  it  all  all." 

Later  in  the  day  the  clergyman,  meeting 
his  curate,  asked  him  how  he  had  got  on. 

"Oh,  very  well,"  was  the  reply.  "I  didn't 
have  time  to  prepare  anything,  so  I  preached 
on*  of  your  unused  sermons." 

21 


Rare-BUs  of  Humor. 

Distrust  appearances  !  I  saw  a  person 
Engaged  in  talking  with  a  maid  apart, 

And  every  little  while  I  chanced  to  notice 
He  lightly  laid  his  hand  upon  his  heart. 

I  thought,  of  course,  it  was  a  declaration. 

A  passage  tender  with  the  maiden  fair, 
But  found  out  later  that  the  frequent  gestures 

Were  just  to  see  if  still  his  purse  was  there  ! 


THE    MILKY    WAY. 

'Twas  a  warm  October  night  and  the  sil- 
very moon  cast  glimmering  shadows  about 
the  woody  glen,  through  which  the  rippling 
brook  tumbled  on  toward  the  Raritan  Canal. 
He  was  but  a  freshman,  and  she — fair  one 
— was  the  buxom  daughter  of  a  tiller  of  the 
soil.    They  had  met  at  a  Harvest  Home. 

"Chauncey,"  she  lisped,  with  the  sweetest 
of  Jersey  accents,  "why  do  they  call  that  the 
Milky  Way?" 

And  she  turned  her  light  green  eyes 
toward  the  heavens. 

"Lizzie,"  he  cried  in  ardent  tones,  as  he 
clasped  her  to  his  boyish  breast,  "it  is  be- 
cause the  stars  are  condensed  there." 

Just  then  the  moon  went  behind  a  cloud. 

22 


,  Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

/ 

CASEY  IN  LONDON. 
"One  day  I  was  riding  on  top  of  a  T)us 
in  London  with  my  friend  Casey.  I  was 
nearly  worn  out  with  several  hours  sight- 
seeing and  the  bustle  and  excitement  of  the 
London  street,  the  hoi  polloi,  the  Billings- 
gate and  the  din  and  rattle  were  becoming 
almost  unbearable  when  we  came  in  sight 
of  Westminster  Abbey.  Just  as  we  did  so, 
the  chimes  burst  forth  in  joyous  melody, 
and  I  said  to  Casey,  'isn't  it  sublime?  Isn't 
it  glorious  to  hear  those  chimes  pealing  and 
doesn't  it  inspire  one  with  renewed  vigor?' 
Casey  leaned  over,  with  hand  to  his  ear,  and 
said,  'you'll  have  to  speak  a  little  louder, 
George,  I  can't  hear  you.*  I  said,  'those 
:  magnificent  chimes.  Do  you  not  hear  them 
pealing?  Do  they  not  imbue  you  with  a 
feeling  of  almost  reverence?  Do  they  not 
awaken  tender  memories  of  the  past?* 
Casey  again  leaned  forward  and  said,  'I 
can't  hear  you.  You'll  have  tb  speak 
louder.'  I  got  as  close  to  him  as  possible 
and  said,  'do  you  not  hear  the  melodious 
pealing  of  the  chimes?  Do  they  not  recall 
the  salutation  of  old  Trinity  on  a  Sabbath 
morning?  Do  they  not  take  you  back  into 
23 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

the  dim  vistas  of  the  past  when  the  world 
was  young  and  touch  your  heart  with  a 
feeling  of  pathos?'     Casey  put  his  mouth 

close  to  my  ear  and  said,  'those  d bells 

are  makin'  such  a  h — 11  of  a  racket,  George, 
I  can't  hear  you.'  " 

— George  Fuller  Golden. 


HULLY   GEE,   SWEET   MARIE. 

There  is  ■winter  in  the  air,  Sweet  Marie; 

We  can  see  it  everywhere,  hully  gee! 
If  I'm  going  to  take  you  out 
I  shall  have  to  hump  about 
For  an  ulster  c/ercoat,  Sweet  Marie. 

Hully  gee,  Sweet  Marie;   Sweet  Marie,  hully 

gee! 
I've  got  to  buy  an  ulster,  don't  you  see? 
I  adore  you,  don't  you  know. 
But  when  the  north  winds  blow. 
Love  cannot  exist  on  snow.  Sweet  Marie. 

You  have  got  upon  your  back.  Sweet  Marie; 

A  brand  new  sealskin  sack  bought  by  me; 
It  will  keep  you  safe  from  harm. 
From  the  cold  winds  and  the  storm. 

But  what's  to  keep  me  warm.  Sweet  Marie? 

Don't  you  see.  Sweet  Marie; 

Sweet  Marie,  don't  you  see! 

How  I  shiver  like  the  leaves  on  the  tree? 

Like  the  cuckoo  and  the  wren, 

I  will  come  to  see  you  then 
When  the  robins  nest  again.  Sweet  Marie. 

— Neto  York  Sun. 

24 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


HE  CAUGHT  THE  EGG. 

R.  FLANAGAN,     of 

New  Jersey,  told  the 

following   story   at   a 

picnic  of  Patrons  of 

'f   Husbandry  at  Tuttle's 

f    Grove,    near    Morris- 

-    town : 

"I  was  riding  from 
Baltimore  to  Wash- 
"ui^y  ^ — -^^  ington  on  a  fast  train 
one  day,"  said  Mr.  Flanagan.  "The  car 
window  was  open.  As  we  passed  another 
express  train  going  in  the  opposite  direction 
a  hen  caught  in  the  vortex  between  the  two 
trains  was  lifted  in  the  air  and  slammed 
against  the  side  of  our  car.  As  it  struck 
an  egg  was  cast  in  at  the  open  window 
and  fell  in  my  lap." 

"Of  course  it  didn't  break,"  said  a  cynic 
among  the  listeners. 

"It  did  not  break,"  went  on  the  Represen- 
tative. "Because  of  its  premature  appear- 
ance the  sh«ll  was  not  hard,  but  tough  and 
leathery  instead.  I  took  it  home  and  put  it 
in  an  incubator  and  in  time  hatched  out  a 
fine  chicken." 

25 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Did  you  observe  in  the  egg's  offspring 
any  evidence  of  prenatal  influences?"  asked 
the  schoolmaster,  shoving  his  glasses  up  on 
his  forehead. 

"Only  this,"  said  the  Representative, 
"the  chicken  was  a  rooster,  and  whenever 
it  tried  to  crow  it  whistled  like  a  locomo- 
tive." 


DIDN'T  FIND   HER   HONEY. 

A  young  married  woman  from  the  South, 
who  was  visiting  New  York  a  few  days 
ago  with  her  husband,  left  him  in  their 
hotel  room  one  morning  while  she  went  on 
an  errand.  She  was  not  accustomed  to  big 
hotels  nor  to  big  New  York,  but  she  got 
back  without  mishap  in  half  an  hour  and 
knocked  at  the  door.  There  was  no  re- 
sponse. 

"Let  me  in,  honey,"  said  the  young 
woman  knocking  more  vigorously. 

Still  no  response. 

"Honey,  let  me  in,"  called  the  young 
woman,  redoubling  her  exertions.  "Honey, 
honey,  let  me  in." 

She  rattled  the  knob  and  shook  the  door 
and  pounded  with  both  fistSj  but  there  was 
26 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor, 

the  silence  of  the  grave  on  the  other  side. 
The  young  woman's  voice  rose  to  half  a 
cry. 

"Honey,  aren't  you  there?  I  want  to  get 
in.     Honey,  open  the  door." 

Then  arose  from  the  other  side  of  the 
door  a  deep,  bass  voice,  with  a  resentful 
note  in  it: 

"Madam,"  it  said,  "this  is  not  a  beehive. 
This  is  a  bathroom."- 


YOUTHFUL  DEPRAVITY. 

"Papa,"  he  asked,  "don't  wasps  build  their 
nests  of  mud  ?" 

"They  do,  my  son,"  said  the  father. 

"Are  wasps  good  for  anything?" 

"So  far  as  we  know,  Willie,  they  are 
not." 

"Then  the  mud  is  wasted,  isn't  it?" 

"I  presume  it  is." 

"Then  it's  just  like  our  Irene,  isn't  it?" 

"How  so?" 

"Because  it's  wasp-wasted." 

And  the  strong  man,  who  had  always  felt 
hopes  that  Willie  some  time  would  enter 
the  ministry,  went  out  to  the  woodshed  and 
wept. 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

HOCH!    DER    KAISER. 

Der  Kaiser  of  dis  Fatherland 
Und  Gott  on  high  all  dings  command. 
Ve  two — ach!     Don't  you  understand? 
Myself— und  Gott. 

Vile  some  men  sing  der  power  divine. 
Mine  soldiers  sing  "Der  Wacht  am  Rhine," 
Und  drink  der  health  in  Rhenish  wine 
Of  Me— und  Gott. 

Dere's  France,  she  swaggers  all  aroundt 
She's  ausgespield — of  no  account. 
To  much  we  think  she  don't  amount — 
Myself — und  Gott. 

She  will  not  dare  to  fight  again; 
But  if  she  shoulJt,  I'll  show  her  blain. 
Dot  Elsass  und   (in  French)  Lorraine 
Are  mein — by  Gott! 

Dere's  grandma  dink's  she's  nicht  small  beer, 
Mit  Boers  und  such  she  interfere; 
She'll  learn  none  owns  dis  hemisphere 
But  me — und  Gott! 

She  dink's,  goot  frau,  fine  ships  she's  got, 
Und  soldiers  mit  dere  scarlet  coat — 
Ach!     "We  could  knock  dem — Pouf!  like  that- 
Myself— mit  Gott. 

In  dimes  of  peace  brebare  for  wars— 
I  bear  the  spear  and  helm  of  Mars, 
Und  care  not  for  a  thousand  Czara— 
Myself— mit  Gott! 

In  fact,  I  humor  efery  whim. 
With  aspect  dark  and  visage  grim; 
Gott  pulls  mit  me,  and  I  mit  Hiii>— 
Myself — unJ  Gott 

28 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


A  SLIP. 

E  was  telling  the 
story  of  the  engaged 
young  man  who  stop- 
ped at  the  home  of 
his  sweetheart  on  his 
way  to  business  one 
morning  just  to  hold 
her  hand  for  a  mo- 
ment. 

"The  young  man 
rang  the  bell,"  said 
the  story  teller,  "and 
asked  the  maid  to  an- 
nounce him.  Pretty 
soon  the  girl  poked  her  head  out  of  the 
bathroom  door  and  cried,  'Hello!  Jack, 
dear !'  'Hello !'  Jack  called  out.  'Come  on 
down.'  'I  can't,  Jack,  I'm  er — well,  I'm  in 
my  bath.'  'But  I  won't  keep  you  a  mo- 
ment.' 'I  haven't  er — got — er — anything 
on.  Jack,'  was  the  hesitating  reply.  'Well,* 
said  Jack,  'slip  on  something  and  come 
down.* 

"So,"    concluded   the    story   teller,    "she 
slipped  on  the  top  step  and  came  down.'* 
Everybody  laughed,  but  one  man.     He 

29 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

looked  as  though  in  deep  thought  for  a 
second  and  then  cried :  "You  don't  get  me 
to  bite  on  that  gag." 


WANTED    TO    ACQUIT    HIM. 

A  man  arrested  for  murder  bribed  an 
Irishman  on  the  jury  with  a  hundred  dol- 
lars to  hang  out  for  a  verdict  of  man- 
slaughter. The  jury  were  out  a  long  time 
and  finally  came  in  with  a  verdict  of  man- 
slaughter. The  man  rushed  up  to  the  Irish 
juror  and  said,  "I'm  obliged  to  you,  my 
friend.  Did  you  have  a  hard  time  ?"  "Yes," 
said  the  Irish.  "A  h — 11  of  a  time.  The 
other  eleven  wanted  to  acquit  yer." 


ECONOMY. 
A  Hebrew  was  killed  in  a  railroad  acci- 
dent, and  when  taken  to  the  undertakers  it 
was  discovered  by  an  address  in  his  pocket 
that  he  was  the  senior  member  of  a  large 
clothing  house  in  New  York,  so  the  under- 
taker telegraphs  to  his  partner,  in  sending 
home  the  body,  if  he  shall  embalm  it  for 
$50  or  freeze  it  for  25.  The  partner  an- 
swered :  "Freeze  him  from  his  knees  up  for 
$15,  as  bis  feet  was  frostbitten  last  winter," 
30 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

TO  HIS  ADVANTAGE? 

I  was  recently  in  a  street  car  accident  at 
14th  street  and  Third  avenue.  The  next 
day  I  read  a  notice  in  the  morning  Journal 
which  said ;  "If  the  Irishman  who  was  rid- 
ing in  the  street  car  at  the  time  of  the  col- 
lision at  14th  street  and  Third  avenue  will 
call  at  2219  97th  street  (that's  two  blocks 
this  side  of  Albany)  he  will  learn  some- 
thing to  his  advantage.  "Well  I  didn't 
have  car  fare  so  I  walked  out  to  2219  97th 
street  and  rang  the  bell.  A  man  came  to 
the  door  and  I  said,  "are  you  the  man  that 
put  the  advertisement  in  the  paper?"  He 
said,  "yes,  were  you  in  the  car?"  I  told 
him  I  was  and  he  said,  "well  did  you  find 
a  pair  of  spectacles?" 

— John  Kernell. 


MRS.    MURPHY'S   SARCASM. 

"Mrs.  Moorphy,  ye  certainly  are  no  lady. 
The  way  yez  jumped  into  my  b  y  Dinny  an' 
all  fur  just  hollerin'  'Rats!'  shows  to  me 
moind  that  you  are  a  dangerous  characth- 
er." 

"Be  aisy  wid  yer  tongue  there,  Mrs. 
Riordan.    Oi'm  nathrally  as  paceful  as  a 

31 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

goat,  but  don't  you  say  another  worrud  av 
an  oncompHmentary  nature.  It's  bad 
enough  to  have  to  own  yez  for  a  neighbor, 
so  it  is,  widout  havin'  havin'  to  shtand  an' 
be  talked  to  by  yez." 

"Never  you  mind  that.  It's  an  honor 
ye  don't  deserve.  An'  Oi'm  thinkin'  very 
seriously  of  puttin'  the  police  on  to' 
your  thrack." 

"Well  as  for  that,  Mrs.  Riordan,  I  niver 
had  any  dalin's  wid  the  police,  but  av  I 
wanted  an  introduction  to  'em  I  don't  know 
av  any  wan  that  would  be  better  qualified' 
by  long  acquaintance  to  give  it  than  your 
own  self,  Mrs.  Riordan.  Good  day  till 
yez." 


WHY  BELLE  ARCHER  WAS   KISSED. 

Once  when  Belle  Archer  was  in  a  Buf- 
falo hotel,  a  bellboy  came  up  to  her  in  the 
hall,  threw  his  arms  around  her  and  kissed 
her.  A  few  minutes  later  he  tapped  softly 
at  the  door  of  her  room.  "Come  in,"  cried 
the  actress.  The  boy  staggered  in  and  said 
tearfully :  "  'Scuse  me,  lady,  I  begs  your 
pardon;  but — but  I  thought  youse  wuz  de 
chambermaid."  Miss  Archer  forgave  him. 
33 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PROBLEM    SOLVED    IN    SWEDEN. 

He  laughed.  Oh,  how  he  laughed.  It 
was  a  great  joke. 

"At  last,"  he  said,  "I've  found  a  place 
where  they  have  women  sized  up  just  right. 
She  isn't  a  complete  human  being." 

"She  isn't !"  she  exclaimed  warmly. 

"No.  In  Sweden  where  they've  figured 
the  problem  out,  a  man  is  the  unit  of  value 
and  a  woman  counts  for  only  half,"  he  ex- 
plained. "When  a  man  travels  he  pays  full 
fare  on  the  railroad  and  full  rates  at  the 
hotels,  while  if  he  takes  his  wife  along  the 
two  of  them  are  charged  up  as  only  one 
and  a  half  persons.  You  see  the  logical 
deduction  ?" 

"I  do,"  she  answered.  "And  when  a 
woman  travels  alone  she  is  charged  full  rate 
for  one  person,  while  if  her  husband  hap- 
pens to  be  along  the  rate  is  for  one  and  a 

half  persons.    The  husband,  therefore " 

I     He  stopped  laughing. 
■     "I  always  did  think,"  he  announced  em- 
phatically, "that  a  woman  has  a  most  per- 
verted sense  of  humor  and  a  most  extraordi- 
nary method  of  reasoning." 

"But  if  you  really  want  to  get  at  relative 
33 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor 

values,"  she  persisted,  "why,  just  consider 
the  matrimonial  market.  Man  is  quoted  at 
a  high  figure  in  that  only  when  he  has  a 
title,  while  woman  brings  the  top  price  with- 
out one." 

"Oh,  well,"  he  said  to  himself,  as  he 
slammed  the  door  behind  him,  "what's  the 
use  of  arguing  with  a  woman  anyhow?" — 


IRISH    vs.    GERMAN. 

"Did  you  ever  notice  the  difference  be- 
tween a  German  picnic  and  an  Irish  picnic? 
The  Germans  meet  at  the  hall  and  march 
right  out  to  the  picnic.  Do  the  Irish  do 
that?  Not  on  your  life.  They've  got  to 
march  around  town  about  three  hours. 
Every  man  in  the  procession  wants  to  pass 
his  own  house." 

"At  a  German  picnic  if  one  man  gets  ex- 
cited and  calls  another  a  liar,  the  friends 
of  the  two  get  around,  some  one  orders 
beer  and  the  two  men  shake  hands  and  join 
in  a  song.  At  an  Irish  picnic  if  one  man 
calls  another  a  liar,  that's  your  cue  to  climb 
a  tree.  There's  no  glass  of  beer  ever  goin' 
to  square  that." 

/.  W.  Kelly, 
34 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


TOO   MUCH    MOUTH. 

WEALTHY  young 
lady  called  at  the 
undertaker's  and 
identified  a  corpse 
as  her  father.  She 
gave  orders  for 
elaborate  burial. 
Just  as  she  was 
leaving,  she  took  a 
last  look  and  ob- 
served that  the  low- 
^""'iW>i^^  er  jaw    had  fallen, 

exposing  a  set  of  false  teeth.  "That's  not 
my  father,"  said  the  young  lady,  and  im- 
mediately left. 

The  undertaker  yanked  the  body  out  of 
a  handsome  coffin,  slapped  it  down  on  the 
slab  and  said  to  it:  "You  d —  fool!  If 
you'd  kept  your  mouth  shut,  you'd  got  a 
first-class  funeral." 


A    FAST    HORSE. 

An  Irishman  sells  a  horse  to  a  Hebrew, 

assuring  him  he  is  a  fast  horse.     Cohen 

buys  him,  has  him  insured,  and  next  day 

hitches  him  up  to  his  wagon,  but  discovers 

35 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

he  is  balky  and  will  not  start.  A  bystander 
suggests  that  he  build  a  fire  under  the 
horse,  which  he  does,  but  burns  i;p  the 
wagon,  and  still  the  horse  will  not  go.  He 
calls  a  doctor  and  he  injects  a  fluid  and  the 
horse  runs  away  out  of  sight.  Cohen  turns 
to  the  doctor  and  pleads  to  have  some  of 
the  same  so  he  can  catch  the  horse. 


EQUIVALENT. 

"My  friend  Casey,  had  a  friend  named 
Sullivan,  who  was  very  sick,  and  as  there 
was  no  one  else  available  Casey  told  the 
physician  that  he  would  sit  up  with  him. 
Well,  the  doctor  told  Casey  to  administer 
a  powder  at  lo  o'clock  and  to  give  him  just 
what  he  could  get  on  a  dime  and  no  more. 
He  took  a  dime  from  his  pocket  and  showed 
Casey  the  necessary  portion  and  cautioned 
him  against  giving  an  overdoco.  Casey 
said  he  understood  and  the  doctor  left — of 
course  without  leaving  the  dime.  The 
next  morning  when  he  called  he  found  the 
man  dead.  He  said  to  Casey,  'did  you  give 
him  the  dose  I  prescribed?'  Casey  said, 
'of  course  I  did.  I  didn't  have  a  dime  so  I 
put  it  on  two  nickels.' " 
36 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

HOW  IT  FELT. 

The  g^rl  was  very  rich  and  the  young 
man  was  poor  but  honest.  She  Hked  him, 
but  that  was  all,  and  he  knew  it.  One 
night  he  had  been  a  little  more  tender  than 
usual. 

"You  are  very  rich,"  he  ventured. 

"Yes,"  she  replied  frankly.  "I  am 
worth  one  million  two  hundred  and  fifty 
thousand  dollars." 

"And  I  am  poor." 

"Yes." 

"Will  you  marry  me?" 

"No." 

"I  thought  you  wouldn't." 

"Then  why  did  you  ask  me  ?" 

"Oh,  just  to  see  how  a  man  feels  when  he 
loses  one  million  two  hundred  and  fifty 
thousand  dollars." 


PARALYZING. 

"That's  a  right  smart  little  gal  of  yours," 
said  a  benevolent-looking  old  gentleman  on 
a  Western  railroad  to  a  lady  sitting  in  front 
of  him.  "I've  been  watching  her  for  some 
time." 

"Yes,  I  have  noticed  you,"  i  inai  ked  the 
37 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

lady ;  "you  have  children  of  you"  own,  per- 
haps; but  I  daresay  yours  are  all  grown." 

"No'm ;  I've  some  grown  up,  but  I've  got 
a  little  tot  to  home  only  eight  months  old, 
and  another  one  a  year  old,  and  one  fo'teen 
months,  and  one  two  years  old,  and  a  pair 
o'  real  cunnin'  twins  two  years  and  a  half 
old,  and  a  boy  of  three  and  a  little  gal  the 
same  age.  Then  there's  Mary,  an'  Arvilly, 
an'  Jonas,  an'  William  Henry,  an'  Peter, 
and  Salviny,  an'  Antoynetty,  an'  Victoriay, 
an'  Wellington,  'an  Charles  Summer,  an' 
Angeliny,  an'  Cyrus,  an'  Naomy,  an'  Ruth, 

an'  Diany   an' .  I  have  to  git  off  at  this 

station  to  take  the  Salk  Lake  train.  If 
you  should  ever  be  out  in  btah  come  an' 
see  the  children.  There's  some  I  ain't 
named. — Good  bye!" 


MAN,  POOR  MAN. 
Before  a  man's  married  he's  a  dude; 
after  marriage  he's  subdued.  Before  mar- 
riage he  has  no  buttons  on  his  shirt;  after 
marriage  he  has  no  shirt.  Before  mar- 
riage he  swears  he  would  not  marry  the 
best  woman  in  the  world;  after  marriage 
he  finds  that  he  hasn't. 
38 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

THE  TOAST. 

RANKLIN      B- 


who  has  just  return- 
ed from  an  ex- 
tended Western 
trip  tells  the  fol- 
lowing : 

"Recently  in 
Los  Angeles  five 
prominent  gen- 
tlemen of  for- 
eign birth  hap- 
pened to  meet. 
One  was  a  Russian,  one  a  Turk, 
one  a  Frenchman,  one  an  American, 
and  one  an  Englishman.  These  gen- 
tlemen became  bosom  friends,  and  finally  a 
champagne  supper  was  proposed,  at  which 
«  each  gentleman,  to  be  in  keeping  with  the 
times,  was  to  give  a  toast  to  his  native 
country,  the  one  giving  the  best  to  be  at 
no  expense  for  the  wine.  Here  are  the 
toasts  given : 

The  Russian — "Here's  to  the  stars  and 
bars  of  Russia,  that  were  never  pulled 
down." 

The  Turk — "Here's  to  the  moons  of  Tur- 
39 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

key,  whose  wings  were  never  clipped." 

The  Frenchman — "Here's  to  the  cock  of 
France,  whose  feathers  were  never  picked." 
The  American — "Here's  to  the  stars  and 
stripes   of   America,   never   trailed   in   de- 
feat." 

The  Englishman — "Here's  to  the  rampin' 
roarin'  lion  of  Great  Britain,  that  tore  down 
the  stars  and  bars  of  Russia,  clipped  the 
wings  of  Turkey,  picked  the  feathers  off 
the  cock  of  France  and  ran  like  h — 11  from 
the  stars  and  stripes  of  the  United  States 
of  America." 


GREAT  HEAD. 

Two  peddlers  came  from  Jerusalem 
peddling  suspenders.  It  was  agreed  who- 
ever died  the  first  was  to  have  five  thousand 
dollars  put  in  his  coffin.  One  died,„  der 
other  fellow  vouldn't  put  der  money  in. 
He  couldn't  sleep.  He  vent  and  consulted 
a  Rabbi.  Der  Rabbi  says,  "put  in  der  five 
thousand  dollars,  or  you'll  never  have  a 
day's  rest."  Der  Rabbi  met  him  two  veeks 
aftervards  and  says,  "Isaacs,  vat  did  you 
put  in,  silver,  gold  or  bills?"  He  says,  "I 
put  in  a  check." 

40 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A   YANKEE    AT   THE    THEATRE. 

On  a  certain  occasion,  at  a  certain  drama- 
tic temple,  a  farce  was  in  course  of  repre- 
sentation, and  had  just  reached  the  scene 
where  the  lovers  enters  seeking,  almost  dis- 
tracted, his  lady  love. 

"Where,  oh  Heaven  ?  where  has  my  Julia 
fled?"  exclaimed  the  actor,  in  despairing 
accents. 

A  specimen  of  the  genus  Yankee,  in  the 
pit,  now  exhibited  symptoms  of  impatience, 
and  as  the  actor  repeated  his  impassioned 
inquiry,  he  was  answered  by  our  Yankee 
with: 

"Right  behind  you,  you  darn  fool,  in  the 
later  patch!" 

The  effect  of  this  can  be  better  imagined 
than  described.  The  applause  was  tre- 
mendous. 


NORMA  WHALLEY'S  PARROT. 

Miss  Norma  Whalley  has  a  parrot,  call- 
ed "Sphinx"  because  of  the  silence  he  has 
insisted  on  maintaining  ever  since  he  ar- 
rived at  the  residence  of  his  mistress.  The 
silence  was  taken  by  all  concerned  to  mean 
mere  reserve,  owing  to  short  acquaintance, 
41 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

This  mist  has  been  dispelled  for  he  made 
one  remark  the  other  night  that  leads  those 
who  heard  it  to  believe  him  to  be  a  demon. 

There  were  a  number  of  visitors  present 
and  poker  stories  were  in  order.  The  par- 
rot listened  gravely  while  one  woman  re- 
lated how  her  husband  had  held  up  the 
eight,  nine,  and  ten  of  spades  and  caught 
the  jack  and  seven,  and  the  wise  fowl  mere- 
ly perked  his  green  and  red  tail  feathers 
when  some  one  else  told  of  winning  a  big 
pot  on  a  pair  of  jacks  with  eight  people 
in  the  game.  One  man's  narrative  was  of 
staying  in  a  pot  where  everybody  took  two 
cards,  and  holding  up  an  ace  of  diamonds, 
he  drew  three  more  single  spots  to  it. 

The  parrot  broke  the  calm,  "Oh,  my  God ! 
Isn't  it  awful  warm?"  and  not  a  word  has 
been  said  since. 


WANTED  PROTECTION. 

"Is  this  a  fire  insurance  office?" 
"Yes,  sir;  can  we  write  you  some  insur- 
ance ?" 

"Perhaps  you  can.  You  see,  my  employ- 
er threatens  to  fire  me  next  Saturday,  and 
I'u  like  some  protection." 

42 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

BUT  ONE    BILLY    BIRCH. 

HE  late  Billy  Birch,  the 
'old  time  minstrel,  had  just 
recovered  from  a  severe 
illness.  He  met  a  friend 
who  owns  a  trotter,  and 
who  offered  the  use  of  it 
to  Birch,  saying  that  the 
exercise  of  a  ride  would  do  him  good. 

Birch  accepted  the  offer  and  ordered  the 
horse  hitched  to  a  light  road  wagon.  He 
drove  slowly  down  Lexington  avenue. 
The  horse  pranced  about  in  a  lively  man- 
ner, and  at  times  evinced  a  disposition  to 
use  both  sides  of  the  street. 

At  last  a  train  came  hissing  through  the 
tunnel,  and  the  horse  took  the  bit  in  his 
mouth  and  bolted.  Here  is  where  Birch 
concluded  that  he  was  no  Jehu,  for  he 
wrapped  the  lines  about  the  whip  and  de- 
liberately climbed  over  the  back  of  the  seat. 
He  did  not  stop  at  this,  and  soon  his  short 
legs  were  dangling  over  the  tail-board  of 
the  wagon.  He  dropped  off,  rolled  over  in 
the  mud  several  times,  got  up,  pulled  down 
his  vest  and  remarked  to  a  policeman: 
"I  made  a  hit  that  time  eh?" 

43 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

The  officer  then  took  him  to  task  for  not 
holding  on  to  his  horse,  but  Birch  shook 
his  head  and  said  reflectively,  "There's  lots 
of  horses  and  buggies  in  this  world,  most 
noble  guardian  of  the  law,  but  I'll  give  you 
a  quiet  tip  that  there's  is  but  one  Billy 
Birch." 


A  BUSINESS  TRANSACTION. 

A  wretched  looking  tramp  went  into  a 
saloon  and  begged  with  tears  in  his  eyes  for 
the  barkeeper  to  give  him  a  nickel  with 
which  to  get  something  to  eat.  He  got  it. 
As  soon  as  he  got  it  in  his  hand  he  slapped 
it  down  on  the  bar,  and  said,  n  a  loud  voci- 
ferous, peremptory  tone  of  voice: 

"Beerl" 

It  was  several  minutes  before  the  bar- 
keeper could  catch  his  breath,  and  then  he 
was  eloquent. 

"Well,  if  that  ain't  gall  I  hope  I  may  nev- 
er live  to  see  any.  Why,  you — you — you, 
etc." 

"No  speeches.     Begging  is  my  business, 

and  beer- jerking  is  yours.     You  attend  to 

your  business,  and  I'll  attend  to  mine.    It  is 

going  to  be  a  cold  winter,  and  if  you  want 

44 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

to  keep  your  job  you  had  better  attend  to 
it,"  said  the  mendicant. 

The  partially  paralyzed  barkeeper  hand- 
ed him  out  the  schooner,  the  tramp  downed 
it  slowly  and  drifted  out,  perfectly  satisfied 
with  that  little  business  transaction. 


"What  did  the  egg  come  from?" 

"The  hen." 

"What  did  the  hen  come  from?" 

"The  egg." 

"Well,  which  got  here  first?" 


HUGGING    THE    SHORE. 

I  went  one  day  to  sail  in  a  yacht 

With  the  very  best  girl  I  had, 
And  indeed  I  was  thankful  at  my  lot. 

Which  you'll  see  was  not  at  all  bad. 

The  sea  ran  high  far  away  outside; 

And  as,  in  the  sea's  dread  lore, 
I  was  not  well  versed,  I  concluded  to  glide 

Near  by,  so  I  hugged  the  shore. 

Anon,  as  the  twilight  round  us  fell, 

I  spooned  with  the  lively  maid. 
And  what  I  did  but  the  stars  could,  tell. 

And  they  will  not,  I'm  afraid. 

And  anon  again  I  asked  her  to  show 

How  a  maid  could  a  man  adore; 
And  she  showed  me  how  till  I  could  but  know. 

And  again  I  hugged  the  show-er. 

45 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  NARROW  ESCAPE. 

Topnoody  made  up  his  mind  that  he  was 
not  going  to  be  bossed  any  longer  by  his 
wife  so  he  went  home  at  noone  and  called 
out  imperiously:  "Mrs.  Topnoody!  Mrs. 
Topnoody !"  Mrs.  T.  came  out  of  the  kitch- 
en with  a  drop  of  sweat  on  the  end  of  her 
nose,  a  dish-rag  tied  around  her  head,  and 
a  rolling-pin  in  her  hand.  "Well,  sir,"  she 
said,  "what'll  you  have?"  Topnoody  stag- 
gered, but  braced  up.  "Mrs.  Topnoody, 
I  want  ou  to  understand,  madam" —  and  he 
tapped  his  breast  dramatically — "  I  am  the 
engineer  of  this  establishment."  "Oh,  you 
are,  are  you  ?  Well,  Topnoody,  I  want  you 
to  understand  that  I" — and  she  looked  dan- 
gerous— "am  the  boiler  that  will  blow  up 
and  sling  the  engineer  clear  over  into  the 
next  county.  Do  you  hear  the  steam  escap- 
ing Topnoody?"  Topnoody  heard  it,  and 
he  meekly  inquired  if  there  was  any  as- 
sistance he  could  render  in  the  housework. 


"Where's  your  sister?" 
"Over  in  London,  living  high.      Where's 
yours  ?" 

"Over  in  Proctor's,  living  pictures." 
46 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

CHEEK. 

ILLY  W tells  the 

the  following  story :  A 
Hebrew  entered  the 
store  of  Dr.  Vineberg, 
the  Albany  optician, 
and  said:  "Meester,  I 
vant  to  get  my  eyes  tested  fur  a  pair  of 
glasses." 

Well,  Doc  sits  him  in  a  chair  and  places 
a  card  about  15  feet  away  from  him  and 
says:  "Can  you  read  that  plainly?" 

"I  can't  do  it,  Meester,"  says  the  Hebrew. 
Doc  pushes  it  to  within  about  10  feet  of 
him  and  says:    "Can  you  read  it  now?" 
"No,  I  can't,"  says  the  Hebrew. 
Doc  sticks  the  card  under  his  nose  and 
says :  "Well,  can  you  read  it  now  ?" 

"No,"  says  the  Hebrew,  "I  never  learned 
to  read." 

— J.  W.  Hartman. 


CASEY'S    DISCOVERY. 

There  is  a  well-known  saloon  in  Brook- 
lyn which  has  three  entrances.     Casey  en- 
ters  and   the   bartender   refuses   to   serve 
him  because  he  is  intoxicated.    After  an  ar- 
47 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

gument  Casey  leaves  the  saloon  and  soon 
discovers  the  second  entrance.  He  goes  in 
and  looks  at  the  bartender  with  considera- 
ble surprise  and  again  calls  for  a  drink  and 
is  again  refused.  He  leaves,  but  soon  c©mes 
back  through  the  third  entrance.  He  walks 
up  to  the  bar  unsteadily  and  looking  the 
bartender  in  the  face  says  disgustedly,  "Say, 
do  you  own  all  the  saloons  in  town  ?" 

— /.  W.  Kelly. 

A   STORY    OF  A    KISS. 

A  man  was  walking  along  one  road  and 
a  woman  along  another.  The  roads  finally 
united  into  one,  and  reaching  the  point 
of  junction  at  the  same  time,  they  walked 
on  together.  The  man  was  carrying  a  large 
iron  kettle  on  his  back ;  in  one  hand  he  held 
the  legs  of  a  live  chicken,  in  the  other  a 
cane,  and  he  was  leading  a  goat.  They 
neared  a  dark  ravine.  Said  the  woman: 
"I  am  afraid  to  go  through  that  ravine  with 
you;  it  is  a  lonely  place,  and  you  might 
overpower  me  and  kiss  me  by  force."  Said 
the  man :  "How  can  I  possibly  overpower 
you  and  kiss  you  by  force  when  I  have  this 
great  iron  kettle  on  my  back,  a  cane  in  ©ne 
48 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

hand,  a  live  chicken  in  the  other,  and  am 
leading  this  goat?  I  might  as  well  be  tied 
hand  and  foot."  "Yes,"  replied  the  woman ; 
"but  if  you  should  stick  your  cane  in  the 
ground  and  tie  your  goat  to  it,  and  turn  the 
kettle  bottom-side  up  and  put  the  chicken 
under  it,  then  you  might  wickedly  kiss  me 
in  spite  of  my  resistance."  "Success  to  thy 
ingenuity.  O  woman!"  said  the  rejoicing 
man  to  himself:  "I  should  never  have 
thought  of  this  or  similar  expedients."  And 
when  they  came  to  the  ravine  he  stuck  his 
cane  into  the  ground  and  tied  the  goat 
to  it,  and  gave  the  chicken  to  the  woman, 
saying:  "Hold  it  while  I  cut  some  grass 
for  the  goat,"  and  then — so  runs  the  le- 
gend— lowering  the  kettle  from  his  shoul- 
ders he  put  the  fowl  under  it  and  wickedly 
kissed  the  woman,  as  she  was  afraid  he 
would. 


Henry  Parker  is  absent  minded.  One 
day  he  ran  against  a  cow.  He  raised  his 
hat  and  said :  "I  beg  your  pardon,  Madam." 
Soon  after  he  stumbled  against  a  lady. 
Without  looking  up  he  said:  "Is  that  you 
again,  you  brute  ?" 

49 


'Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PARTIAL  SUCCESS. 

"I  thought  I  had  hit  on  a  great  scheme 
not  long  ago,"  said  the  fat  man. 

"What  was  it?"  asked  the  man  with  the 
straw-colored  vest. 

"Why,  a  fellow  down  in  the  country  had 
occasion  to  send  me  $35  by  mail.  Now,  you 
know,  it  is  a  well-known  fact  that  money 
can  be  detected  in  an  envelope  by  the  smell. 
So  I  wrote  to  him  to  perfume  the  letter  in 
order  that  the  scent  of  the  money  could  not 
be  noticed." 

"Urn.    How  did  it  work?" 

"Oh,  the  letter  got  through  all  right,  but 
the  idiot  addressed  it  to  the  house.  And  the 
letter  being  scented,  my  wife  opened  it  and 
I  only  got  $15  out  of  the  $35." 


FLY   SOUP. 

Mr.  Rosenzki  took  his  boy  to  a  restau- 
rant last  week  to  get  a  bowl  of  soup. 
Jakey  commenced  to  eat  it,  and  he  grabbed 
his  father  by  the  coar  and  he  says, 
"papa,  there's  fly  in  der  soup."  Papa 
says,  "eat  der  soup  and  vait  till  you  come 
down  to  der  fly,  tell  de  vaiter  and  he'll  give 
you  another  bowl  for  nothing^." 
SO 


'Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


a  rare  one. 


HER    TOP    SHEET. 

RANK    B ,    the    popular 

salesman,   tells   the    following 
true  story :    "One  learns  many 
strange  uses  and  misuses  of 
things  at  country  inns,  but  let 
us   hope   that   the   experience 
related  by  a  friend  of  mine  as 
having  happened  to  himself  is 
He  had  gone  to  bed  in  an 
Irish  inn,  bidding  the  landlady  to  have  him 
called  at  8.    At  6,  however,  next  morning 
she  knocked  at  his  door. 
"Ye've  to  git  up,"  she  said. 
"What  o'clock  is  it?" 
"Six,  Surr." 

"Go  away,  I  am  not  going  to  get  tip 
till  8." 

At  7  she  reappeared.  "Indade,  and  ye 
must  get  up  now,  it's  7."  Finding  him 
unmoved  at  her  next  return,  she  said :  "Git 
up,  there's  a  sweet  gintelman;  there's  two 
commercial  gentlemen  waiting  for  their 
breakfast,  and  I  can't  lay  the  cloth  till  I 
have  yer  honor's  top  sheet." 


A  lady  was  walking  along  market  street, 
51 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

in  San  Francisco,  holding  a  little  girl  by  the 
hand,  who  showed  all  the  symptoms  of  hav- 
ing a  flea  on  her  somewhere.  A  newsboy 
rushed  up  and  exclaimed  "Examiner!  Ex- 
aminer!!" "I'll  wait  till  I  get  home,  I 
guess,"  said  the  lady,  reflectively, 

— Charles  R.  Sweet. 


A  SEA   HORSE. 

"Say,  Captain,"  said  a  fresh  young  man 
on  a  Sound  steamer,  "What's  that  thing 
over  there?" 

"A  hawser,"  was  the  brief  reply. 

"A  horse?  Dear  me!  What  do  you 
use  it  for.  Captain?" 

"Well,  when  fools  like  you  get  tired  of 
sailing  we  just  put  a  saddle  on  it  and  let 
them  ride  ashore,"  growled  the  gruff  old 
mariner. 


"What  must  a  man  be  that  he  shall  be 
buried  with  military  honors?" 
"He  must  be  a  Captain." 
"Then  I  lose  the  bet." 
"What  did  you  bet?" 
"I  bet  he  must  be  dead." 

— Dave  WarHeld. 
52 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

HE   GOT  THE  JOB. 

A  few  years  ago,  into  a  large  grocery 
store  in  New  York  walked  a  tall,  muscular- 
looking,  raw-boned  man,  evidently  a  fresh- 
comer  from  some  back  town  in  Maine  or 
*  hew  Hampshire.  Accosting  the  first  per- 
son he  met,  who  happened  to  be  the  mer- 
chant himself,  he  said : 

"You  don't  want  to  hire  a  man  in  your 
store,   do   you  ?" 

"Well,"  said  the  merchant,  "I  don't 
know;  what  can  you  do?" 

"Do!"  said  the  man,  "I  rather  guess  I 
can  turn  my  hand  to  almost  anything.  What 
do  you  want  done?" 

"Well,  if  I  were  to  hire  a  man,  it  would 
be  one  that  could  lift  well,  a  strong  wiry 
fellow — one,  for  instance,  that  could  should- 
2r  a  sack  of  coffee,  like  that  yonder,  and 
carry  it  across  the  store  twice  and  never  lay 
it  down." 

"There,  now,  captin,"  said  our  country- 
man, "that's  just  me.  What  will  you  give 
a  man  that  can  suit  you?" 

"I  tell  you,"  said  the  merchant,  "if  you 
will  shoulder  that  sack  of  coffee,  and  carry 
it  across  the  store  twice  and  never  lay  it 
53 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

down,  I  will  hire  you  for  a  year,  at  $ioo 
per  month. 

"Done!"  said  the  stranger;  and  by  this 
time  every  clerk  in  the  store  had  gathered 
around  and  were  waiting  to  join  in  the 
laugh  against  the  man,  who,  walking  to  the 
sack,  threw  it  across  his  shoulder  with  per- 
fect ease,  as  it  was  not  extremely  heavy, 
and  walking  with  it  twice  across  the  store, 
went  quietly  to  a  large  hook  which  was 
fastened  to  the  wall,  and  hanging  the  sack 
upon  it,  turned  to  the  merchant  and  said : 

"There,  now,  it  may  hang  there  till 
doomsday ;  I  shan't  never  lay  it  down.  What 
shall  I  go  about,  mister?  Just  give  mc 
plenty  to  do  and  $ioo  a  month,  and  it's  all 
right." 

"The  clerks  broke  into  a  laugh,  but  it 
was  out  of  the  other  side  of  their  mouths; 
and  the  merchant,  discomfitted  yet  satisfied, 
kept  to  his  agreement,  and  today  the  green 
countryman  is  the  senior  partner  in  the  firm 
and  worth  half  a  million  dollars. 


Cohen  left  the  ball-game  because  he  said 
the  umpire  looked  right  at  him  when  he 
called  "three  balls !" 

54 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


OBSERVATIONS. 

GOT  off  a  train  at  a 
small  town  the  other 
day  and  I  said  to  an 
Irishman  standing  near 
the  depot,  "what  do  you 
'think  of  that?  Every- 
^,  body  on  that  train  I  just 
got  off  is  a  republican. 
There  isn't  a  democrat 
on  the  train."  "Oh," 
said  the  Irishman,  "what  does  that  train 
amount  to !  Wait  'till  the  gravel  train  comes 
up." 

Speaking  of  Irishmen,  the  other  day  I 
met  an  Irishman  dressed  in  black.  I  said: 
"Where  have  you  been  ?"  He  said :  "To  a 
funeral."  "Whose?"  I  asked.  "I  dunno," 
said  he,  "I  only  went  for  the  ride." 

The  other  day  I  offered  my  seat  in  the 
street  car  to  an  Irishwoman.  I  said,  "Sit 
down,  won't  you?"  She  said:  "No,  thank 
you.    I'm  in  a  hurry." 


A  painter,  who  fell  off  a  scaffold  with  a 
pot  of  paint  in  each  hand  said :  "well,  I  came 
down  with  flying  colors,  anyhow." 

55 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"GOT    HIM    DAR." 

There  is  an  old  negro  in  Austin,  who 
claims  to  have  studied  "flosify  outen  a 
book."  He  propounds  unanswerable  ques- 
tions to  the  lawyers  whose  rooms  he  cleans, 
and  he  discusses  "pints  o'  law"  with  the 
justice  of  the  peace  of  his  precinct.  Yes- 
terday he  went  into  the  justice  court  and 
said :  "Jedge,  kin  I  git  a  'dictment  writ  agin 
dat  wufflless  nigger,  Pete?" 

"What's  he  been  doing?" 

"He's  a  procrastimator.  He's  bin  a  pro- 
crastimatin',  sah!" 

"Procastinating  ?" 

"Yes,  sah,  dat's  what  he's  bin  doin'  fur 
a  fac'." 

"But  there's  no  law  against  that." 

"No  law  agin  procrastimation  ?  Den 
what's  de  law  fur?  Ain't  procrastimation 
de  thief  ob  time?" 

"Certainly,  I  believe  it  has  been  so  stat- 
ed." 

"Well,  den,  ain't  Pete  a  thief?" 

"Yes,  you  might  so  construe  it,  but  you 
cannot  convict  a  man  for  stealin'  time." 

"No,  but,  when  we  hab  got  de  proof  on 
him  fur  stealin'  time,  we  hab  got  de  circum- 
56 


Hare-Bits  of  Humor. 

stantial  ebidence  agin  him  fur  stealin'  mon- 
ey, fur  don't  flossify  say  dat  time  am  mon- 
ey?   Got  yer  dar,  jedge." 

And,  while  the  judge  and  the  lawyers 
groaned,  the  old  man  went  out  chuckling 
to  himself:  "Got  him  dar.  Got  de  jedge 
dis  time  suah  yer  a  foot  high." 


SUCH    A    LIAR. 

Casey  and  Riley  agreed  to  settle  their  dis- 
pute by  a  fight  and  it  was  understood  that 
whoever  wanted  to  quit  should  say 
"enough."  Casey  got  Riley  down  and  was 
hammering  him  unmercifully,  when  Riley 
called  out  several  times  "enough!"  As 
Casey  paid  no  attention,  but  kept  on  admin- 
istering punishment,  a  bystander  said,  "Why 
don't  you  let  him  up?  Don't  you  hear  him 
say  that  he's  got  enough?"  "I  do,"  says 
Casey,  "but  he's  such  a  liar,  you  can't  be- 
lieve him." 

— John  E.  Drew. 


"I  suppose  Bamum  went  to  heaven  when 
he  died?" 

"Well,  he  certainly  had  a  good  chance. 
In  fact  he  had  the  greatest  show  on  earth." 
57 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor, 

FRENCH  FUN. 

A  man  very  much  excited  burst  into  M. 
Pasteur's  laboratory  the  other  day. 

"Oh,  Doctor,"  he  cried,  I  have  been  bit- 
ten !" 

"By  a  dog?"  asked  Pasteur. 

"No;  worse  than  that." 

"By  a  cat?" 

"A  kind  of  cat.  But  oh,  Doctor,  can  you 
cure  me?" 

"It  was  a  wolf,  then." 

"Not  a  wolf,  but  much  worse.  It  was 
r.  /  mother-in-law !" 

"In  that  case,"  said  Pasteur,  turning  to 
his  work,  "nothing  can  be  done." 


HIS  GOOD  LUCK. 

An  Irishman,  in  order  to  celebrate  the 
advent  of  a  new  era,  went  out  on  a  lark.  He 
didn't  get  home  till  3  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  was  barely  in  the  house  before  a 
nurse  rushed  up  and,  uncovering  a  bunch  of 
soft  goods,  showed  him  triplets.  The  Irish- 
man looked  up  at  the  clock,  which  said  3, 
then  at  three  of  a  kind  in  the  nurse's  arms, 
and  said  :  Oi'm  not  superstitious,  but  thank 
Hivens  thot  Oi  didn't  come  home  at  twilve !" 
S8 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  DOMESTIC  TRAGEDY. 

OW  sorrow     came     into 
that  little  home. 
"I  shall  never  forgive 
him!  Never!  Never!" 
she  cried. 

Then  she  threw  her- 
self upon   a   divan   and 
wept  bitterly.         There 
was  a  ring  at  the  door  bell. 

"Ah,  my  dear  mother,  is  it  you?"  she 
exclaimed  as  a  woman  of  commanding  pres- 
ence entered  the  room. 

"It  is  I,"  was  the  answer.  "Why  do  I 
find  you  weeping?" 

"I  have  been  cruelly  treated  by  the  man 
whom  I  trusted — the  man  whom  we  led — 
who  led  me  to  the  altar." 
"Has  he  struck  you?" 
"Worse!" 

"Deserted  you  ?  Left  you  to  face  poverty 
alone?" 

"Worse.       He  asked  me  to   mend  his 
trousers." 
"And  you." 

"I  refused.  And  now — oh,  horrors — I 
cannot  tell  it." 

59 


Rare- Bits  of  Humor. 

'  Speak  my  child,  speak." 
"He  has  worn  my  bicycle  bloomers  down 
to  his  office." 
Wretch!" 


NOT   HIS   FAULT. 

One  day  this  week  the  Senat^;  did  not 
meet  at  noon.  The  hands  of  the  clock  were 
at  least  three  minutes  past  the  hour  of  12 
when  the  chaplain  lifted  his  voice  in  the 
opening  prayer.  And  all  because  Senator 
Frye  was  telling  a  story  to  the  preacher. 

"When  I  was  up  in  Maine  recently," 
said  Mr.  Frye,  "I  was  summoned  to  pre- 
pare a  will  for  a  man  who  was  very  ill.  It 
was  necessary,  of  course,  to  secure  two  wit- 
nesses, and  they  had  to  be  sent  for.  While 
we  were  waiting  for  them  to  arrive  the  man 
seemed  to  get  worse,  and  I  thought  it  my 
duty,  no  minister  being  present,  to  talk  se- 
riously to  him.  I  told  him  that  he  was 
very  ill  and  that  it  was  likely  he  would  soon 
depart  this  life. 

"  'And  are  you  ready  to  meet  this  great 
change?'  I  asked  him. 

"  'I  will  be,'  was  the  reply,  'as  soon  as 

those  d d  witnesses  get  here.' " 

60 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"FWAS  WOLLEN  SIE  HABEN." 

Mrs.  O'Flaherty — An'  fwhat  sames  to  be 
the  matter  wid  the  Colonel,  Mrs.  O'Raher- 
ty?  I  did  hear  him  gruntin'  siveral  toimes 
durin'  the  day. 

Mrs.  O'Raherty — Indade,  Mrs.  O'Flaher- 
ty it's  very  sick  the  Colonel  is.  He  did  fall 
in  wid  very  bad  company  yiste'day.  As  he 
was  comin'  from  church  he  did  stop  in  a 
saloon  beyant,  an'  wan  of  the  fellies  he  says 
to  the  Colonel,  says  he : 

'You  understand  some  German,  I  be- 
lave?'  'Troth,  an'  it's  a  big  fool  I  would 
be,  says  the  Colonel,  'if  I  wouldn't  under- 
stand some  Ditch  after  being  wurruckin' 
on  the  sthrates  wid  'em  fur  over  twinty 
years.' 

"  'Then,'  said  the  felly,  "f what's  the  Eng- 
lish av  "Fwas  wollen  sie  haben?" 

"  'Fwhat  will  ye  have?'  said  the  Colonel. 

"An'  then  ivery  man  in  the  house  did 
yell  'Beer!'  An'  av  coorse  the  Colonel  did 
have  to  set  thim  up  to  the  whole  house ;  an' 
so  on  did  they  kape  catchin'  ivery  wan 
that  did  come  in  wid  their  'Fwas  wollen  sie 
haben?'  until  the  whole  town  samed  to  be 
droonk;  an'  a  sicker  mon  there  niver  was 
6i 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

than  the  Colonel  was  all  last  noight  an'  the 
whole  av  the  day.  It's  a  great  shame  it  is 
to  be  ropin'  in  innicint  men  wid  sich  Dutch 
as  that." 


A  NEW  WAY  TO  GET  MONEY. 

Solomon  Isaacs  vas  going  around  last 
veek  in  a  synagogue  collecting  money  to 
build  a  new  Hebrew  orphan  asylum,  soon 
as  he  got  a  hat  full  he  tried  to  sneak  out 
of  der  door  mit  it.  Der  Rabbi  grabb'd  him 
and  says,  "Solomon,  if  you  go  out  that 
door  mit  that  hat  full  of  money  you'll  be 

d m'd."     A  Jew  boy  got  up  and  says, 

"If  he  ain't  going  out  mit'  it,     I'll     be 
d ^m'd." 


FROM  SOLE  TO  UPPER. 

"What  is  this  leathery  stuff?"  the  diner 
asked,  when  the  second  course  of  the  din- 
ner was  served. 

"That  is  a  filet  of  sole,  sir,"  replied  the 
waiter, 

"Take  it  away,"  said  the  diner,  after  at- 
tacking it  with  his  fork,  "and  see  if  you 
can't  get  me  a  nice  tender  piece  of  the  upper, 
with  the  buttons  removed." 
62 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

WHAT  KILLED  THE  PARROT. 

HEN  I  was  in  New  York 
a  few  weeks  ago  I  saw  a 
man  walkng  along  Len- 
ox avenue  carrying  a 
parrot  in  a  cage. 
"What  you  got  there?" 
I  asked. 

"Parrot ;  I'm  taking  it  home  to  my  wife. 
She  always  wanted  one." 

"I  hope  you'll  have  better  luck  than  I  did 
with  one  I  gave  my  wife." 
"What  happened  to  it?" 
"Don't  know  my  wife,  do  you?" 
"No." 

"Neither  did  the  parrot.  It  wanted  to 
talk  during  the  daytime  and  couldn't  get  a 
chance  while  my  wife  was  around,  so  it 
stayed  awake  at  night  to  do  its  talking,  and 
the  poor  thing  died  of  insomnia  before  two 
weeks." 


HIS    REMEDY. 

"You  are  bothered  a  great  deal  by  Insects, 
are  you  not?"  asked  Colonel  Sumpter  Mc- 
Bride,  who  is  visiting  New  York. 

"The  fleas  pester  us  some,  but  I've  got  a 

63 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

way  of  getting  rid  of  'em  when  they  get 
too  thick  in  the  house." 

"How  do  you  manage — insect  powder?" 
"No,  I've  got  a  better  plan  than  that.  I 
give  a  party,  and  invite  all  the  neighbors, 
and  my  fleas  all  go  off  on  the  women,"  and 
the  old  reprobate  chuckled  for  fifteen 
minutes. 


A  SURE  WINNER. 
A  Tout  says  to  Goldberg,  "I  have  a  sure 
thing,"  but  don't  tell  anyone  or  the  book- 
makers will  get  on  and  down  goes  the  odds. 
Goldberg  goes  up  to  a  bookmaker  and  wants 
to  bet  $50,  and  of  course  is  asked  the  name 
of  the  horse  he  wants  to  back.  Vat  do  you 
tink  I  vas?  "no  sir,  not  in  a  tousand  years 
tell  you  his  name.  He  is  a  sure  winner,  g^ve 
me  a  ticket." 


Rules  for  Central  Park — "Couples  mak- 
ing love  will  beware  of  the  rubber  plant. 
"While  driving  through  the  park  don't 
speak  to  your  horses.  They  carry  tales." 
"All  the  animals  are  not  in  cages.  There 
are  some  dandelions  on  the  lawn." 

—  Rogers  Bros. 
64 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PAT'S  FEAR. 

An  old  Irishman  who  had  recently  re- 
covered from  a  severe  attack  of  sickness, 
chanced  to  meet  his  parish  priest,  who  had 
been  summoned  during  his  illness  to  admin- 
ister the  rites  of  the  church  to  the  dying,  as 
he  was  considered  to  be  near  death's  door, 
and  the  following  conversation  took  place: 
"Ah,  Pat,  1  see  you  out  again.  We  thought 
you  were  gone  sure.  You  had  a  pretty 
serious  time  of  it."  "Yis,  yer  riverence. 
indade  I  did."  "When  you  were  so  near 
death's  door,  were  you  not  afraid  to  meet 
your  God,  your  Maker?"  "No,  indade, 
your  riverence.  It  was  the  other  gintle- 
min/* 


SPANISH  LOVE. 

I  recently  saw  a  young  soldier,  wearing 
a  ragged  U.  S.  uniform,  seated  on  an  old 
soap  box  in  front  of  the  World  building, 
playing  upon  a  wheezy  accordion,  "Give  Us 
Just  Another  Lincoln."  He  truly  presented 
a  sorry  spectacle.  His  legs  were  both  miss- 
ing below  the  knees,  one  arm  was  gone  at 
the  shoulder,  and  he  was  short  an  eye  and 
part  of  an  ear.    A  well  dressed  gentleman 

65 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

stepped  up  and  dropped  a  five-dollar  bill  in 
the  tin  cup  suspended  around  his  neck.  Sur- 
prised at  the  liberal  donation,  the  young 
soldier  said  gratefully,  "You  must  be  a 
comrade."  "No,"  replied  the  philanthro- 
pist, "I'm  a  Spaniard,  and  you're  the  first 
American  that  I've  seen  since  the  war  that 
was  done  up  to  suit  me." 


A    SUMMER    IDYL. 

An  apple  In  an  orchard  grew. 
An  apple  of  an  emerald  hue; 
Warmed  by  the  sun  and  wet  by  the  dew. 

It  grew. 


One  day,  while  passing  the  orchard  through^ 
The  apple  dawned  upon  the  view 
Of  Johnny  Jones  and  his  sister  Sue — 

Them  two. 

A  stick  Into  the  tree  they  threw, 
Down  came  the  apple  wet  with  dew. 
The  apple  of  an  emerald  hue — 

Peek-arboo. 

Johnny  took  a  bite  and  Sue  took  a  chew. 
Then  the  trouble  began  to  brew. 
Trouble  the  doctors  could  not  subdue — 
Paregoric  for  two. 

Under  the  turf  where  the  daisies  grew. 
They  planted  Johnny  and  Sister  Sue, 
And  their  little  souls  to  heaven  flew — 

Adieu. 

66 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PUNNING. 

'\  HERE  are  some  pun- 
^  ning  catches  which  are 
appreciated  by  a  good 
many  people.  Here 
is  an  old  one  that  is 
good: 

If  a  father  gave  one 
of  his   sons    19   cents 
and  the  other  6  cents, 
what  time  would  it  be? 

The  answer  is  "Quarter  to  two." 
And  here  is  one  of  more  recent  birth: 
If  a  postmaster  went  to  a  menagerie  and 
was  eaten  by  one  of  the  wild  beasts,  what 
would  be  the  hour? 

Perhaps  you'll  have  to  think  this  over  a 
little.  Yet  the  answer  is  very  simple.  It  is 
"8  p.  m.,"  of  course. 


QUESTION   IN  GRAMMAR. 

One  of  the  Board  of  Education,  going  his 
rounds  as  an  amateur,  put  the  following 
question  to  a  scholar  in  a  country  school : 

"How  do  you  parse,  'Mary  milked  the 
cow?'" 

Pupil — Cow  is  a  noun,  feminine  gen- 
67 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

der,  singular  number,  third  person,  and 
stands  for  Mary." 

"Stands  for  Mary!"  exclaimed  he  of  the 
Board;  "how  do  you  make  that  out?" 

"Because,"  added  the  intelligent  pupil, 
"if  the  cow  didn't  stand  for  Mary,  how 
could  Mary  milk  her?" 


THE    PLAY   IS  ON. 

Young  Perkins  had  been  paying  court  to 
a  bill  poster's  daughter  for  some  time,  but 
no  engagement  seemed  to  come  of  it.  The 
father,  becoming  impatient,  said  to  Perkins 
finally : 

"Young  man,  when  does  your  show 
open  ?" 

"I  haven't  any  show,"  said  Perkins. 

"I  thought  you  had,  for  you  and  Sue 
have  been  billing  for  some  time  back." 

Perkins  took  the  hint,  proposed  and  was 
accepted,  and  the  show  commenced  not 
long  after. 


"I  saw  a  big  rat  in  my  cook-stove  and 
when  I  went  for  my  revolver  he  ran  out." 
"Did  you  shoot  him  ?" 
*'No.      He  was  out  of  my  range." 
68 


^Rare-Bits  of  Humor, 

PRESENCE  OF  MIND. 

Two  gentlemen  stood  in  front  of  a  build- 
ing in  process  of  erection  on  one  of  the  New 
York  thoroughfares,  discussing  a  late  ship- 
wreck, from  which  one  of  them,  by  the  ex- 
ercise of  unusual  presence  of  mind,  had 
narrowly  escaped. 

At  their  side  a  humble  "son  of  Erin"  was 
busily  mixing  the  plaster  for  the  new  walls. 
Turning,  in  great  friendliness,  bom  of  his 
escape  from  death,  the  fortunate  man  ad- 
dressed him : 

"Well,  my  dear  fellow,  can  you  think  of 
anything  more  desirable  in  time  of  great 
peril  than  'presence  of  mind  ?'  " 

"Well,  sor,  indeed  thin,  no;  unless  it  be 
absince  of  body." 


SCALED  VITUPERATION. 

In  order  to  discourage  the  use  of  objec- 
tionable words  the  father  had  evolved  a  sys- 
tem of  fines,  somewhat  after  this  fashion: 

Hang  it — One  cent. 

Dam  it — Two  cents. 

Gosh — Three  cents. 

Gosh  dam  it — Five  cents. 

The  boy  who  was  to  be  reformed  by  this 
69 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

method  studied  the  tariff  with  considerable 
interest,  but  it  was  some  time  before  he 
spoke. 

"Well,"  he  said  at  last,  "I  guess  I  know 
some  words  that  would  cost  a  quarter." 


THE    RESTRICTION    REMOVED. 

The  will  of  Stephen  Girard  provided  that 
no  clergyman  should  ever  be  allowed  to 
enter  the  splendid  Girard  College  at  Phila- 
delphia, 

One  day  a  very  clerical  looking  man,  with 
immaculate  white  cravat  and  choker  ap- 
proached the  entrance. 

"You  can't  come  in  here,"  said  the  jani- 
tor. 

"The I  can't !"  said  the  stranger. 

"Oh,"  said  the  janitor,  "excuse  me.  Step 
right  in." 


Goldstein :  "I  know  a  rich  girl  dat  vants 
to  get  married.  Get  a  bath,  clean  yourseluf 
ub  and  you  can  vin  her  sure.  She'll  marry 
you  in  a  minute." 

Bernstein  (cautious)  :  "Y — as.  Sup- 
pose I  clean  myself  up  und  she  von't  marry 
me?" 

50 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

AT  THE  BALL. 

AY  I  get  you  a  glass  of 
champagne  to  take  with 
this  cake?" 

"No,     sir;     I     thank 
you.  Champagne  is  too 
strong  for  me." 
"^  ^-S^  "It  is  not  so  strong  as 

brandy." 

"O,  you  are  mistaken.  Champagne  is  so 
strong  that  it  forces  the  cork  out  of  the 
bottle  and  drives  it  against  the  ceiling.  I 
don't  mind  taking  a  little  pony  brandy,  but 
no  champagne  for  me.  I  can't  stand  strong 
drink." 


A    PIANO    DOCTOR. 

A  few  years  ago  there  lived  in  Provi- 
dence, R.  I.,  Frank  J.  Smith,  a  jolly,  good 
fellow  with  a  keen  sense  of  humor.  For 
some  time  he  tuned  pianos  for  Brown  & 
Co.,  and  while  engaged  in  this  occupation 
he  met  with  a  good  many  amusing  experi- 
ences. On  his  trips  about  the  city,  Frank 
used  to  carry  his  tools  in  a  little  grip  that 
resembled  somewhat  a  doctor's  medicine 
case.  He  had  occasion  to  frequently  pass 
71 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

a  certain  house  on  Pleasant  street,  and  one 
day  the  owner  beckoned  to  him  and  asked 
him  to  step  in.  Frank  compUed,  thinking 
there  was  probably  a  piano  that  needed  at- 
tention. As  soon  as  he  was  inside  the 
house  the  man  said :  "Come  into  this  room. 
I  want  you  to  see  my  wife.  She's  broken 
out  with  some  kind  of  a  rash."  And  be- 
fore Frank  had  time  to  explain  he  was  in 
the  presence  of  the  invalid.  "Now,  what 
would  you  advise  me  to  do?"  persisted  the 
man.  Frank  pondered  a  moment;  bit  the 
end  of  his  cigar  thoughtfully  and  then  said, 
as  if  the  advice  was  the  result  of  much  re- 
flection : 

"I  believe  if  I  were  you,  I'd  call  in  a 
doctor." 

"Great  Scott  I"  said  the  man,  "aren't  you 
a  doctor?" 

"No,  said  Frank,  cheerfully,"  I'm  a 
piano  tuner." 


If  a  guest  at  a  restaurant  ordered  a  lob- 
ster and  ate  it,  and  another  guest  did  the 
same,  what  would  the  latter's  telephone 
number  be  ? 

It  would  be  "8—1—2." 
73 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

GOOD   REASONS. 

"Say,  Pat,  I  hear  you've  been  offered  a 
job  in  the  P.  W.  department.  Are  you 
going  to  take  it?" 

"Shure  an'  I  am." 

"But  the  hours  are  long  and  the  pay 
bad." 

"It's  meself  that  knows  it." 

"Surely  those  are  two  good  reasons  for 
refusing  it!" 

"Thrue  for  ye,  mc  bhoy,  but  I've  got  six 
good  reasons  for  acceptin'  it." 

"What  are  they?" 

"Shure,  a  wife  an'  foive  kids." 


PROVOCATION. 

"What  have  you  to  say  to  this  charge  of 
assaulting  Michael  Rafferty?'  asked  the 
magistrate. 

"Oi  licked  'im,"  replied  Mr.  Dolan,  look- 
ing the  court  in  the  eye.  "An'  wid  no  dis- 
respect to  anybody  to  whom  respect  is  due, 
it's  hopin'  Oi  am  that  Oi  done  it  good." 

"Was  there  any  provocation?" 

"They  wor  thot  same." 

"What  was  it?" 

"Oi  hev  a  goat,  yer  Anner — a  foine  ani- 
73 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

mal,  too.  'Does  yer  goat  give  milk?*  says 
Rafferty.  'It  does,'  says  Oi.  'Then,'  says  he 
'it's  buttermilk.'  'It's  as  swate  an'  foin  as 
any  ye  iver  saw,'  says  I.  'Certainly;  but 
is  is  buttermilk — nevertheless — what  else 
could  yer  goat  give  but-her-milk,'  says  he, 
an'  thin  we  came  togethei.  Though  Oi 
must  say,  yer  Anner,  thot  whin  Oi  come  to 
repeat  it  over  a  few  times  a.i'  consider  the 
nature  av  the  goat,  Oi'm  compelled  to  say 
Oi  were  a  bit  hasty.  Bedad,  if  the  court'll 
give  me  leave,  I'll  'poligize  to  Rafferty,  so 
Oi  will." 


DELAY    IS   DANGEROUS. 

Mr.  Oppenheimer,  being  informed  by  his 
manager  that  there  was  no  insurance  on 
his  stock  and  fixtures,  replied,  "Vait  until 
to-morrow  and  we  will  insure;"  but  when 
he  came  to  his  store  the  next  morning,  was 
dumbfounded  to  see  only  the  walls  standing 
and  everything  burned  up. 

He  exclaimed,  "Oh,  Lord,  strike  me 
dead !"  when  a  brick  fell  down  and  struck 
him  on  the  head,  knocking  him  senseless. 
When  he  revived,  looking  up,  he  said,  "Oh, 
Lord,  can't  you  take  a  joke?" 
74 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

VACCINATION   IN  THE  HUB. 

ERRY  was  the  lawn 
party,      and     the 
bright    young    man 
found  himself  priv- 
ileged to  sit  next  to 
the  young     woman 
with  beautiful  arms 
and    neck.      He 
thought  himself  the  most  favored  person- 
age on  the  scene.  Suddenly  his  fair  com- 
panion exhibited  signs  of  nervousness.  Two 
of  his  very  best  jokes,  saved  for  a  special 
occasion,  passed  by  unnoticed.     Her  face 
wore  a  look  of  alarm.      Apprehensively  the 
young  man  gazed  at  her  and,  meeting  the 
look,  she  said: 
"I  am  in  misery." 
"In  misery?"  echoed  the  man. 
"Yes,"  she  replied.       "I  was  vaccinated 
the  other  day  and  it  has  taken  beautifully. 
I  could  almost  scream,  it  hurts  so." 

The  young  man  looked  at  the  beautiful 
arms  and,  seeing  no  mark  there,  said 
"Why,  where  were  you  vaccinated?" 
"In  Boston,"  she  replied,  the  smile  chas- 
ing away  the  look  of  pain. 

75 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

HE  WAS  RIGHT. 

Mr.  Frank  Lane  tells  the  following  story 
about  a  Boston  Irishman. 

"The  old  man  had  been  employed  on  the 
docks  as  watchman  by  the  city  for  thirty- 
five  years.  His  son  had  grown  up  in  that 
time  and  married  and  made  him  a  grand- 
father, and  held  down  a  position  in  the  city 
hall  also.  It  was  the  only  job  the  old  man 
had  ever  had  since  he  landed  on  this  side, 
and  for  thirty-five  years  he  had  reported 
every  night  for  duty,  and  every  pay  day  for 
his  wages.  Finally  the  son  came  home 
one  night  and  told  the  old  man  that  the 
Superintendent  of  Docks  had  decided  to  get 
a  new  watchman. 

"  That's  that?  Get  a  new  watchman,  is 
it?' 

"  That's  it,  old  man.' 

"  'An'  he's  goin'  to  foire  me,  is  it  ?' 

"  'Your  due  for  the  chopping  block.  Pop.' 

"  'An'  when  am  I  t'  get  me  discharge  ?' 

"  'Next  month.' 

"The  old  man  didn't  sav  anything  more, 
but  he  looked  very  blue,  and  finally  the  old 
l&^y  asked  him  what  the  matter  was. 

"They're  after  dischargin'  me  down  at 

7^ 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

th'  docks.  Sure  I  told  ye'  th'  furrst  day  I 
wint  t'  worruk  there  I  didn't  think  'twud 
be  a  steaddy  job,  an'  I  wor  right.'  " 


"Did  you  have  any  trouble  with  black 
ants  in  Ireland,  Bridget?" 

"No,  ma'm,  but  I  had  some  trouble  onc't 
with  a  white  uncle." 


WHY  SHE  WAS  SALTED. 

The  Sunday-school  was  hushed  and  still, 
And  the  parson  led  in  prayer, 

Then  said  a  speech  would  now  be  made 
By  a  stranger  who  was  there. 


The  lesson  told,  that  day,  the  fate 
Of  the  cities  razed  by  fire. 

And  of  the  great  reward  of  those 
Who  obeyed  the  Lord's  desire. 

And  then  the  stranger  spoke  of  those 
Who  had  disobeyed  God's  law; 

Said  they  the  end  of  such  as  sinned 
In  the  death  of  Lot's  wife  saw. 

To  impress  the  fact,  he  asked  a  class. 
Small   "eight-year"  urchins  they. 

Why  God  had  turned  Lot's  wife  to  salt 
On  that  ill-fated  day. 

One  little  rascal  made  response. 

With  grimy  hand  upheld; 
His  shrill  voice  sounded  loud  and  clear, 

"She  was  too  fresh,"  he  yelled. 

77. 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  GROUP  OF  SWEDISH  JOKES. 

Teacher — What  do  you  call  the  last  teeth 
we  get? 

Pupil — False  teeth. 

Bill — Why  are  you  in  such  a  hurry? 

Jack — Creditor  after  me — ^hounding  me 
to  death. 

Bill — Run  into  the  Savings  Bank.  He'll 
never  think  of  looking  for  you  there. 

Buflf — Have  you  no  memento  of  your 
mother-in-law,  who  came  to  so  sudden  an 
end  in  Africa? 

DufT — No,  worse  luck.  We  only  succeed- 
ed in  getting  a  photograph  of  the  cannibal 
that  ate  her. 

Young  Minister  (disgusted) — I  preached 
to  a  congregation  of  asses  today. 

Church  Member — I  noticed  that  you 
called  them  your  dear  brothers." 

"Is  that  my  umbrella  you  have?" 

"Most  likely.  Just  bought  it  in  a  pawn- 
shop." 


"Dennis,  I'm  told  ye  was  the  best  man 
at  Mike's  marriage."     "The  same  is  a  lie," 
answered  Dennis,  "but  bejabers,  I  was  as 
good  as  anny  man  was  there." 
78 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  COMPLETE   GIVE-AWAY. 

A  W  Y  E  R— Y  o  u  say, 
madame,  that  you  have 
been  a  true  and  loving 
wife? 

Witness — I  have,  sir,  as 
God  is  my  witness. 

And  you  have  spared 
no  effort  to  retain  the  love  and  esteem  of 
your  husband? 

I  have  done  everything  I  could  to  make 
him  love  me,  and  he  knows  it. 

Ahem.     Madame,  who  gets  up  and  makes 
the  fire  these  cold  mornings  ? 
He — he — does. 

Ah,  indeed;  then  don't  you  think  your 
statement  that  you  had  made  every  possible 
effort  to  retain  your  husband's  love  and 
esteem  a  little  premature,  eh? 


HE  WORKED  THE  BOSS. 

A  little  man  with  a  bald  head  and  an  in- 
offensive blue  eye  drifted  into  a  Main  street 
saloon  and  threw  a  half  dollar  on  the  bar. 

"Gimme  a  schooner  of  beer,"  he  said. 

The  schooner  was  given  him.  Just  as  he 
was  about  to  drink  it  a  big  man  came  in 
79 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

and  said:  "Hello,  Shorty.    Who's  buying?" 

"I  am,"  replied  Shorty,  with  dignity. 

"You,"  scoffed  the  big  man.  "Why,  you 
never  had  a  cent  in  your  life.  Your  wife 
gets  your  wages." 

"That's  all  right,"  said  Shorty.  "Meb- 
be  she  does,  but  I've  got  money  today." 

"How'dyou  get  it?" 

"Well,"  replied  Shorty,  "I  don't  know  as 
I  mind  tellin.  I  had  a  couple  of  bad  teeth, 
an  she  gimme  enough  to  get  them  pulled." 

"Didn't  you  get  'em  pulled  ?" 

"Sure,  but  I  worked  her  for  50  cents  for 
gas,  an  this  is  the  50.     See  ?" 


A  CHEAP  FEED. 

A  man  was  sitting  in  a  restaurant  eating 
oysters.  In  came  an  Irishman  and  said: 
"Oi'll  bet  a  dime  thot  Oi  con  eat  oysters 
fasther  then  yez  con  open  thim." 

"Done!"  said  the  shell  cracker. 

At  the  end  of  an  hour  the  man  had  open- 
ed seventy-five  oysters,  but  the  Irishman 
had  only  been  able  to  eat  sixty-five. 

Getting  up  with  difficulty,  the  Irishman 
said:  "Yez  win,"  laid  down  a  dime  and 
walked  out. 

80 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

THE    BAND   WAS    ALWAYS   THERE. 

A  gentlemanly  merchant  traveler  in  a 
railway  carriage  met  a  lady  and  politely 
rendered  her  such  assistance  that  she  recip- 
rocated by  permitting  him  to  talk  to  her. 
He  became  quite  friendly,  and  desired  to 
know  where  she  lived  and  who  she  was. 

"Oh,"  she  replied,  "I'm  only  an  ordinary 
little  woman,  but  my  friends  persist  in  try- 
ing to  make  me  somebody." 

"Ah,"  was  the  gallant  answer,  "I  am  sure 
they  act  quite  wisely  and  with  good  taste." 

"You  flatter  me,  sir,  and  yet  I  have  no 
doubt  a  band  will  meet  me  at  the  station 
when  I  arrive  at  Windsor." 

"Indeed?"  he  replied  in  open  eyed  aston- 
ishment. 

"Yes,  and  the  same  band  always  meets 
me.     Isn't  that  flattering?" 

"Very,  my  dear  miss ;  but  may  I  ask  what 
band  it  is  that  is  always  so  honored?" 

"Oh,  yes,  certainly;  it  is  a  husband." 

He  caught  on  to  the  arm  of  the  seat  for  a 
minute  and  then  went  into  the  next  carriage 
and  bumped  his  head  during  the  change. 


Two  Jews  in  a  street  car. — First  Jew :  "I 
6x 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

vill  nefer  go  py  Far  Rockaway  agen  fer  de 
summer.  Nodding  but  Irish  everywhere." 
Second  Jew :  "It's  de  same  at  Saratoga, 
Abey,  it's  aHve  mit  Irish.  I  vish  I  could  go 
vere  dere  vas  no  Irish." 

Mrs.  Clancy  (on  the  opposite  seat.) — 
"Yez  can  both  go  to  h — 1,  y'U  find  no  Irish 
there." 


THE   PRETTY   MAID. 

"Oh,  whither  now,  my  pretty  maid?" 

Inquired  the  kind  old  pastor; 
"I  goeth  now  to  town,"  she  said, 
"To  get  a  porous  plaster." 


"Oh,  why  dost  want,  my  pretty  maid. 
This  thing  called  porous  plaster; 

Hast  rheumatiz?"  the  pastor  said, 
"Oh  hast  thou  met  disaster?" 

"Oh,  sir,  I  fear,"  the  maiden  said, 
"That  sore  we  need  the  plaster; 

Our  brindle  cow  has  raised  Old  Ned, 
And  kicked  Sal  in  the  pastur." 

"And  Ihou  wilt  use  It,  pretty  maid, 
Upon  the  cow?"  he  asked  her; 

"Oh,  no,  you  fool,"  the  maiden  said, 
"Not  on  the  cow,  dod  blast  her." 

"What  then  wilt  do,  my  pretty  gal, 
With  this  'ere  porous  plaster?" 
"I'll  use  it  where  the  cow  kicked  Sal. 
But  I  don't  mean  in  the  pastur." 
S2 


,^  'Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PATRICK'S  DAY  ON  APRIL  6. 

SAW  a  funny  incident 
some  years  ago  in  Cin- 
cinnati, O.,  said  a  drum- 
mer. A  number  of  sol-  f 
emn-faced  men  were 
standing  in  front  of  a 
house.  They  were  dress- 
ed in  black,  and  had  ever- 
greens in  their  button  holes.  They  belong- 
ed to  the  Masonic  fraternity,  and  were  do- 
ing the  last  honors  to  a  deceased  brother. 
Just  as  they  were  about  to  fall  in  who 
should  stroll  up  but  Patrick  O'Flarity,  just 
out  of  a  saloon.  When  he  saw  the  ever- 
greens he  rubbed  his  eyes  and  took  another 
look.  That  look  settled  it.  He  under- 
stood it  all  at  a  glance.  He  tilted  his  hat 
back  on  his  head,  put  his  cane  under  his 
arm,  and  dancing  up  to  an  aged  Israelite 
with  a  beard  three  feet  long,  and  who  look- 
ed like  a  whole  Synagogue,  ran  his  arm 
through  that  of  the  astonished  Hebrew  and 
said  with  a  rich  brogue : 

"Hurrah  for  ould  Ireland!  And  it  does 
me  eyes  good  to  see  the  byes  a  wearn'  of 
the  green,    St,  Patrick  was  a  jintlem«in, 

83 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Go  vay  mit  yer,"  responded  the  vener- 
able Israelite.  "Don't  you  know  dere  was 
some  funerals  in  dot  house?  Go  vay,  or  I 
calls  poleesh  I" 

"And  in  what  part  of  ould  Ireland  did 
yer  pick  up  that  brogue?  Ye  are  the  first 
Oirishman  I  iver  saw  that  was  a  Dootch- 
man.  Maybe  it's  your  wife  that  is  an 
Oirishman." 

Just  then  the  procession  began  to  move, 
and  O'Flarity,  after  staring  at  it  for  a  few 
moments,  asked  a  bootblack  what  day  of  the 
month  it  was,  and  was  told  that  it  was  the 
5th  of  April. 

"The  Fifth  of  April!  No  wonder,  thin, 
there  was  a  Dootchman  in  the  percission 
when  Saint  Pathrick's  Day  comes  on  the 
5th  of  April.  And  they  were  all  droonk, 
too.  It  was  that  what  desaved  me,"  and 
solemnly  shaking  his  head  he  went  back 
to  the  saloon. 


HOW  A  WOMAN  DOBS  IT. 
Woman    with    satchel    enter*    car,    sits 
down. 

Enters  conductor,  asks  fare. 
Woman  opens  satchel,  takes  out  purse, 
84 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

shuts  satchel,  opens  purse,  takes  out  dime, 
shuts  purse,  opens  satchel,  puts  in  purse, 
shuts  satchel. 

Offers  dime,  receives  nickel. 

Opens  satchel,  takes  out  purse,  shuts 
satchel,  opens  purse,  puts  in  nickel,  closes 
purse,  opens  satchel,  puts  in  purse,  closes 
satchel. 

Stop  the  car,  please. 


NO  ADVANTAGE. 

Johnnie — "I  wish  I  lived  in  South  Am- 
erica." 

Mother— "Why,  Johnnie?" 

"The  mammas  down  there  don't  wear  any 
slippers." 

"Yes,  my  son,  but  you  must  also  remem- 
ber that  the  little  boys  in  South  America 
do  not  wear  any  pants. 

"That's  so.  It's  queer  that  I  never 
thought  about  that." 


"You  know  Fatty    Schultz  the    butcher. 
What  do  you  suppose  he  weighs?" 
"I  don't  know,  what  does  he  weigh?'* 
"Meat." 

85 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  NEW  DISEASE. 

"Your  husband  requires  rest,"  said  the 
doctor,  as  he  came  from  the  sick  chamber. 

"He  will  soon  be  well;  he  has  a  bad  at- 
tack of  tickerosis."  "Tickerosis,  doctor! 
Why,  that's  a  new  disease,  isn't  it  ?"  "Yes, 
quite  new.  It  is  caused  by  watching  the 
tickers  in  the  brokers'  office.  It  affects  the 
optic  nerve  and  the  spinal  column." 


A  MODEST  MAID. 

An  old  maid  lived  in  our  town. 

So  I  have  heard  it  said. 
Who,  if  you  called  a  dress  a  gown. 

Would  blush  like  poppies  red. 

Her  nind  was  neither  frail  nor  weak — 

Her  modesty  was  rare; 
Of  autumn  trees  she'd  never  speak 

Because  their  limbs  were  bare. 

When  night  its  sable  shadows  threw 

She'd  tumble  in  a  swoon 
If  curtain  did  not  hide  from  view 

The  man  up  in  the  moon. 

She  never  sang  a  sacred  song — 

A  very  modest  whin.. 
To  think  of  one  she  thou&ht  was  wrong; 

Because  it  was  a  hymn. 

A  plumber  caused  her  death  one  day—* 

That's  how  the  story  goes — 
By  asking  in  a  careless  way 

To  let  him  see  her  hose. 
86 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

ANOTHER   KIND  OF  A  CAT. 

ART  W ,  a  jolly  jok- 
er, was  presented  with  a 
beautiful  kitten.  A  cou- 
ple of  young  ladies,  one 
of  them  named  Julia, 
happened  into  the  store, 
and  of  course  kitty,  as  kittens  and  babies 
always  do,  came  in  for  an  immense  quantity 
of  endearments  and  caresses. 

"Oh,  my !  what  a  sweet,  darling  little  kit- 
ty!    What  is  its  name?" 
"It  has  not  been  named  yet." 
"Oh,  the  dear  thing!     Do  call  it  Julia, 
won't  you?" 

"I  should  be  very  happy  to  do  so,"  said 
our  gallant  friend — "but  it  isn't  that  kind 
of  a  cat !" 

Kitty  was  deposited  on  the  floor  in  a 
twinkling,  and  a  couple  of  young  ladies 
were  seen  looking  around  for  a  good  place 
to  faint. 


GOOD   REASON. 

Young  Foplet  is  very  inpecunious,  but 
has  an  amazing  good  opinion  of  his  own 
wit.    The  other  day  he  said  to  Miss  Sharpe : 

?7 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Who  do  you  suppose  I  saw  on  the  back 
platform  of  the  car  this  morning?"  "I 
can't  imagine,"  answered  the  lady.  "The 
conductor,"  chuckled  Foplet.  "Ah,"  said 
Miss  Sharpe:  "that's  the  reason  you  walk- 
ed." 


NOT   A    FAST    COLOR. 

A  railroad  engineer  who  had  a  danger- 
signal  head  of  hair,  got  a  barber  to  dye  it 
black,  but  the  color  didn't  stay.  A  brother 
of  the  footboard  met  him  soon  after  and 
said: 

"Jim,  were  you  hurt  much  ?" 

"Hurt  where?" 

"In  the  accident." 

"What  accident?" 

"Why,  the  washout,  of  course." 


THE   END  JUSTIFIES  THE   MEANS. 

"Yes,"  she  said,  "we  decided  to  let  John 
play  on  his  college  football  team,  but  we 
had  a  definite  object  in  view." 

"What  was  that?" 

"When  the  season  is  over  we're  going  to 
have  his  hair  cut  and  weave  it  into  a  door- 
mat." 

88 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

AN  ODD  SPECIMEN. 

The  drummer  didn't  want  to  talk.  Some- 
thing must  have  been  the  matter  with  him 
seriously,  or  he  never  would  have  felt  such 
disinclination,  of  course,  but  the  hotel  clerk 
disregarded  the  signs  and  insisted  on  his 
telling  a  story. 

"I  haven't  any  story  to  tell,"  growled  the 
drummer. 

"Aw,  come  off,"  urged  the  clerk.  "You 
know  you  have  plenty.  Give  us  one,  and 
don't  act  ugly." 

The  drummer  growled  some  more,  but 
it  did  no  good,  for  the  clerk  kept  on  nag- 
ging him. 

"Well,"  said  the  drummer  at  last,  "if 
I  tell  you  one,  will  you  let  up  on  me?" 

"Yes,  anyhow,  until  tomorrow." 

"Very  well,"  proceeded  the  drummer, 
"when  I  was  in  Indiana  four  days  ago  I 
met  a  man  who  was  an  odd  specimen,  for  a 
fact." 

"What  was  odd  about  him?"  asked  the 
clerk,  who  observed  that  the  drummer  mani- 
fested a  disposition  to  stop  at  that  point. 

"His  arms,"  said  the  drummer,  languid- 

89 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"What  was  odd  about  them?"  again  ask- 
ed the  clerk  encouragingly. 

"He  had  only  one,"  said  the  drummer, 
and  the  clerk  went  around  behind  the  coun- 
ter and  kicked  an  inoffending  valise  up 
against  the  wall. 


CHEAP   FOR  CASH. 

"You  look  all  broke  up,  Emil.  Vat's  de 
matter?    Have  you  been  sick?" 

"Yes.  I've  got  sometings  de  matter  vit 
my  liver.     Malaria,  I  guess." 

"Vy  don't  you  try  Turkish  baths,  Emil? 
Dey  are  great  tings." 

"How  do  you  know?" 

"I  bought  six  tickets  four  years  ago,  und 
I've  got  four  left.  If  you  vant  to  buy  'em, 
I'll  sell  'em  at  less  dan  cost." 


A  SAD  DILEMMA. 

Gilhooly — "Sad  affair  over  at  Jones'." 

Smith— "What's  the  matter?" 

"One  of  the  twins  has  died." 

"That  is  an  affliction." 

"Yes,  and  the  worst  of  it  is  the  people 
don't  know  which  of  them  is  dead,  they 
look  so  much  alike." 

90 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

8AUCE  FOR  THE  GOOSE. 

OCTOR    B and    two 

friends  were  chatting  on  a 
street  corner  in  a  Southern 
town,  when,  looking  up  the 
street,  they  espied  an  old 
negro  belaboring  a  stub- 
born mule.  The  animal  per- 
sistently refused  to  budge.  In  a  moment 
one  of  the  men  called  out,  "Wait  a  minute, 
Uncle  Toby,  I'll  fix  him !" 

Stooping  to  his  physician's  satchel,  he 
took  out  a  small  hypodermic  syringe,  filled 
it  with  something,  and  started  for  the  un- 
ruly animal.  "Wait  till  I  put  a  little  spook- 
joo  into  him,  Uncle  Toby."  At  the  first 
prick  of  the  needle  the  mule  took  off  at  a 
gallop  up  the  street. 

"How  much  dat  medicine,  doctah?"  in- 
quired Uncle  Toby,  preparing  to  follow. 

"Never  mind  now.  Ten  cents  some  other 
day." 

The  men  continued  their  conversation, 
when  some  moments  later  they  were  sur- 
prised to  see  Uncle  Toby  coming  up  at  a 
brisk  pace.  "Here,  doctah,"  he  said,  roll- 
ing up  his  trouser  leg,  "Put  20  cents*  worth 

91 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

of  dat  stuff  in  my  leg.    I'se  boun'  ter  ketch 
dat  mule!" 


HAVE   MET  BEFORE. 

The  judge,  stern  and  authoritative,  lean- 
ed out  over  his  desk  and  looked  down  at 
the  young  belligerent,  a  boy  of  about  9,  who 
had  been  brought  in  by  a  big  policeman  for 
judgment. 

Sizing  the  boy  up  and  down  over  his 
glasses,  the  judge  cleared  his  throat. 

"Young  man,"  he  said,  "do  you  under- 
stand the  ethics  of  swearing?" 

"Yes  sir,"  replied  the  urchin  promptly,  "I 
caddied  for  you  last  summer  I" 

Judge,  three  minutes  later — Prisoner  dis- 
charged. 


A  little  boy  was  sitting  behind  a  bald- 
headed  man  at  church,  who  was  scratching 
the  fringe  of  hair  on  one  side  of  his  bald 
pate.  The  old  gentleman  kept  it  up  so  long 
that  at  last  the  little  boy  became  interested, 
and,  leaning  over,  said : 

"Say,  mister,  you'll  never  catch  him 
there.  Why  don't  you  run  him  out  in  the 
open  ?" 

92 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

RELIGIOUS    ITEM. 

Mr.  Isaacs — I  vant  to  see  you  apout  some 
legacies.  My  vader  died  and  made  two  tes- 
taments. 

Lawyer — You  mean  he  made  two  wills  or 
testaments,  and  then  died. 

"Choost  so.  In  von  of  dose  vills  he  leaves 
me  $5,000  and  dot  odder  vill  he  leaves  $20,- 
000. 

"Which  testament  did  he  make  first?" 

"In  dot  old  testament  he  leaves  me  $5,- 
000,  but  I  vant  dat  odder  vill  to  be  propat- 
ed." 

"I  don't  blame  you,  Isaac,  but  this  is  the 
first  time  in  my  experience  that  an  orthodox 
Jew  preferred  the  New  Testament  to  the 
Old." 


HIS  CHARGE. 

I  am  told  that  there  appeared  one  day  last 
summer  before  a  Washington  (D.  C.)  police 
magistrate  a  very  well-dressed  man  accom- 
panied by  an  Irish  policeman.  "Well,  what 
are  you  charged  with?"  asked  his  honor. 
"I,"  stuttered  the  prisoner,  "I'm  ch-ch-ch' 
char-char" —  "Officer,"  interrupted  the  mag- 
istrate, "what  is  this  man  charged  with?" 
93 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Faith,  yer  banner,  I  belave  he's  charged 
with  sodywather." 


OH,   BRACE  UP. 

A  middle-aged  man  with  a  troubled  look 
on  his  face  stood  on  the  corner  near  the 
Central  depot  and  attracted  the  attention  of 
a  passer-by  who  inquired: 

"Can  I  do  anything  for  you,  sir?" 
"Stranger,"  said  the  man,  "I've  lost  my 

grip." 

"Oh,  brace  up,"  said  the  other  in  a  cheery 
voice,  "you'll  get  hold  again  if  you  push  in. 
It  happens  to  us  all  sometime  or  other." 

"I'm  afraid  I'll  never  get  it  again,"  said 
the  other  sadly. 

"Nonsense,  man.  Don't  give  up  when 
they've  just  discovered  the  elixir  of  life," 
aavised  his  friend.  "Take  a  hold  again  like 
a  man." 

"What  air  you  talking  about  ?"  asked  the 
other.  "I  lost  my  grip  with  four  new  shirts 
in  it,  a  new  waistcoat,  a  pair  of  suspenders, 
and  my  wife's  photygraft.  Just  give  me  a 
chance  and  you'll  see  whether  I'll  take  hold 
or  not,"  and  he  walked  off  with  a  suspicious 
look  at  his  late  adviser. 

94 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor.  ^ 

WONDERFUL  PROSPERITY. 

OME  few  years  ago  a 
drummer  for  one  of  our 
wholesale  houses  was  trav- 
eling in  a  buggy  along  a 
country  road  in  Arkansaw, 
when  he  came  upon  a  tall, 
roughly-dressed  man  sitting 
upon  a  rail  fence  whittling.  With  a  so- 
ciable "Good  morning,"  the  traveler  drew 
up  his  horse  and  asked: 

"Is  that  your  field  of  corn  over  there?" 
"Wal,  I  calkilate  I'll  freeze  onto  a  right 
smart  sheer  of  it.     I'm  working  the  piece 
on  sheers." 

"Looks  like  a  fine  crop." 
"It  does." 

"I  presume  you  are  figuring  on  great 
prosperity  in  future,  such  immense  crops 
indicating  plenty  for  all."  ' 

"Prosperity?  Stranger,  that  hain't  no  * 
name  for  the  cyclone  that's  agoin'  to  hit 
this  settlement  atween  the  eyes  this  season. 
A  tornado  mout  come  jist  now  an'  land 
every  durned  bit  o'  grain  in  the  country 
over  into  Tennessee,  and  yit  the  smiles  o' 
contentment  'd  never  shift  off 'n  our  faces  I" 
95 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Some  unexpected  good  luck  has  befallen 
you,"  the  tourist  replied. 

"That's  the  play  to  a  t-y  ty.  We're  get- 
tin'  our  slice  o'  the  millenium  away  ahead  o' 
the  advertised  date.  Fust,  ol'  Zack  Bolton 
up  an'  died  last  month,  and  thar'  hasn't 
been  a  ear  o'  corn  or  a  slice  o'  bacon  missed 
in  the  community  since  we  tumbled  the  dirt 
on  top  o'  him.  Then  Wash  Tompkins,  the 
boss  ol'  sledge  player,  got  sent  to  State 
prison  fur  horse  stealin',  thus  givin'  us 
poor  players  a  show  fur  our  pile;  then 
Snaky,  the  saloon-keeper  up  at  the  forks  o' 
the  road,  dropped  down  to  ten  cents  a  drink 
fur  whiskey,  and  said  he'd  take  corn  same 
as  cash ;  then  my  old  woman  ran  off  with  a 
Yankee  sewin'-machine  pedlar,  and  my 
darter  Sal  got  religion,  an'  joined  Mount 
Zion  Church,  an'  if  bloomin'  prosperity  ain't 
a  hangin'  over  the  neighborhood  I'm  a  gilt- 
edged  liar  from  the  Red  River  swamps. 
Sot  any  sweet  tobacker  about  you?" 


COMPLETE  STOCK. 

A  New  York  chemist  was  boasting,  in 
company  of   friends,   of  his   well-assorted 
stock  in  trade.     "There  isn't  a  drug  miss- 
96 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

ing,"  he  said,  "not  even  one  of  the  most  un- 
common sort." 

"Come,  now!"  said  one  of  the  bystand- 
ers, by  way  of  a  joke.  "I  bet  that  you  don't 
keep  any  spirit  of  contradiction,  well- 
stocked   as   you   pretend   to   be." 

"Why  not?"  replied  the  chemist,  not  in 
the  least  embarrassed  at  the  unexpected  sal- 
ly. "You  shall  see  for  yourself."  So  say- 
ing he  left  the  group  and  returned  in  a  few 
minutes  leading  by  the  hand — his  wife. 


MISS  MURRAY'S  STORIES. 

Elizabeth  Murray,  that  clever  actress,  is 
entertaining  her  audiences  with  these 
stories : 

"I  was  standing  in  a  Broadway  car  one 
day  recently,  when  an  old  colored  man 
courteously  offered  me  his  seat.  'But,  I  do 
not  wish  to  deprive  you  of  your  seat,'  I  re- 
monstrated. *Oh,  there's  no  depravity  at 
all,'  said  he,  'sit  down.' 

"I  was  once  summoned  as  a  witness  in  a 
case  where  an  old  darkey  was  charged  with 
chicken  stealing.  The  old  darkey  was  on 
hand  early  and  before  the  case  was  called 
the  judge,  observing  his  presence,  asked  his 

97 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

name.  'My  name  is  Johnsing,  yo'  honah/ 
said  the  darkey.  'Are  you  the  defendant  in 
this  case?'  inquired  the  judge.  'No,  sah,' 
replied  the  darkey,  'I'se  got  a  lawyer  to  do 
my  defencin'.  I'se  de  gentleman  what 
stole  de  chicken.' 

"Just  then  a  small,  insignificant  Irishman 
hobbled  in  on  crutches  accompanied  by  his 
wife,  a  big,  brawny  woman.  'Judge,'  said 
she,  'I  want  you  to  give  this  man  six  months 
for  giving  me  this  black  eye.'  'What!'  ex- 
claimed the  judge  in  astonishment,  'do  you 
mean  to  say  that  this  physical  wreck  gave 
you  that  black  eye?'  'Your  honor,*  said 
the  woman,  'I  want  you  to  understand  that 
he  was  not  a  physical  wreck  until  after  he 
gave  me  this  black  eye.'  " 


DID  HE  CATCH  ON? 

They  were  sailing  in  the  little  boat  to- 
gether and  she  said — 

"Are  we  running  before  the  wind  now, 
George  ?" 

"No,  my  darling,"  said  he,  "our  boat  is 
hugging  the  shore." 

"Ah!"  she  exclaimed,  "what  a  beautiful 
example  you  have  here." 

98 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor, 

BILL-BERRIES. 

YOUNG  tailor  named  Berry, 
lately  succeeded  to  his  father's 
business,  once  sent  in  his  ac- 
count to  Charles  Matthews 
somewhat  ahead  of  time,  where- 
upon Matthews,  with  virtuous 
rage,  wrote  him  the  following 
note: 

"You  must  be  a  goose — Berry  to  send  me 
your  bill — Berr)-^,  before  it  is  due — Berry. 
Your  father,  the  elder — Berry,  would  have 
had  more  sense.  You  may  look  very  black 
— Berry,  and  feel  very  blue — Berry,  but  I 
don't  care  a  straw — Berry  for  you  and  your 
bill— Berry." 


MILDRED  CORRECTS  HER  BROTHER. 

"Why,  James,  what  is  the  matter?"  asked 
the  High  School  Girl,  as  her  brother  came 
in  with  his  eye  blackened. 

"O,  had  a  fight  with  a  couple  of  kids ;  but 
I'll  get  at  'em  one  at  a  time  and  take  it  out 
of  their  hides,  see  if  I  don't,"  replied  Jim. 

"O,  James,  don't  say  'take  it  out  of  their 
hides,'  that  is  vile  slang.  Say,  extract  it 
from  their  epidermis." 

99 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

WHICH,    WHAT    AND    WHY? 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  old 
maid  and  Christian  Science?  One  is  a 
humbug  and  the  other  is  a  bum-hug. 

Which  is  the  only  way  a  leopard  can 
change  his  spots  ?  By  going  from  one  spot 
to   another.  ^ 

Why  is  the  Danish  coast  a  bad  place  to  go 
for  a  quiet  holiday?  Because  of  the  sound 
which  is  there. 

What  is  the  best  early  closing  movement  ? 
To  go  to  bed  at  lo  o'clock  and  close  your 
eyes  in  sleep. 

What  is  it  we  often  tell  others  to  do  and 
can't  do  ourselves?    Stop  a  minute. 

Why  are  teeth  like  verbs?  Because  they 
are  regular,  irregular  and  defective. 

What  is  that  which  the  more  you  take 
away  from  it  the  larger  it  grows?  A  hole. 

Why  were  gloves  never  meant  to  sell? 
Because  they  were  meant  to  be  kept  on  hand. 

Why  is  a  poor  friend  better  than  a  rich 
one?  Because  a  friend  in  need  is  a  friend 
indeed. 


DIDN'T    EVEN     KEEP    LENT. 

Once  a  missionary  who  had  been  in  a 
100 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

savage  country  was  asked :    "Are  they  real- 
ly cannibals?" 

"Yes,  indeed,"  he  replied  solemnly.  "Why 
they  eat  men  even  in  Lent." 


Why  is  a  cornfield  like  a  galvanic  battery? 
Because  it  produces  shocks. 


SEEING  THINGS. 

He  thought  he  saw  an.  elephant 

Sit  weeping  on  a  stile; 
He  looked  again,  and  found  it  waa 

An  outlet  to  the  Nile. 
Said  he:     "If  I  should  tickle  it, 

I  wonder  would  It  smile?' 

He  thought  he  saw  a  leather  ducK 

A-sti eking  in  the  mud; 
He  looked  again,  and  found  it  was 

The  year  before  the  flood. 
He  said:  "I'd  better  now  go  out 

And  spill  the  villain's  blood." 

He  thought  he  saw  a  crocodile 
Come  tripping  through  the  heather;! 

He  looked  again,  and  found  it  was 
A  spell   of  lovely  weather. 

"I  think  I'll  tan  this  hide,"  he  said, 
"And  make  it  into  leather." 

He  thought  he  saw  a  cockleshell 

Go  sailing   down  the  lake; 
He  looked  again,  and  found  that  It 

Was  all  a  blooming  fake. 
**It  was  the  kind,  ah  me!"  he  cried, 

"That  mother  used  to  make." 

— Marie  Graves. 

lOI 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

FOLLOWED  THE   PRESCRIPTION. 

Doctor — Have  you  got  the  better  of  the 
ague  yet? 

Patient — No,  sor.  Me  an'  me  wife  is  as 
bad  as  iver,  sor. 

Doctor — Did  you  get  that  whiskey  and 
quinine  I  prescribed? 

Patient — "Yis,  sor;  but  it  did  no  good  at 
all,  at  all." 

Doctor — "That  is  strange!  You  took  it 
according  to  instructions,  I  suppose?" 

Patient — "Yis,  sor;  ye  know  a  man  and 
his  wife  are  one." 

Doctor — "What  has  that  to  do  with  it?" 

Patient — "Well,  ye  see,  sor,  bein'  as  we 
are  one  flesh,  I  tuk  the  whisky  and  gave 
Biddy  the  quinine." 


BEFORE    AND   AFTER. 

At  the  front  gate  two  weeks  before  the 
wedding : 

He — My  dearest  darling. 

She — Willie  my  love. 

At  the  front  gate  two  years  after: 

She — Bill,  where  are  you  going? 

He — It's   none   of  your   blankity   blank 
business. 

1 02 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PATS  SEESAW. 

HEN  I  was  in  New  York 
some  time  ago  I  heard  a 
good  story  about  a  couple  of 
green-horns  that  was  hired 
to  clean  the  windows  of  the 
N.  Y.  life  insurance  build- 
ing. They  went  for  some 
cloths  and  chamois,  and 
started  in  on  the  top  floor 
early  in  the  morning. 

"  'Do  you  go  outside,  Pat,'  says  Mike, 
'and  I  will  stay  inside.' 

"  'Have  I  wings  like  a  bird  ?'  says  Pat 
with  some  indignation. 

"Mike  hadn't  thought  about  that,  and 
they  both  scratched  their  heads.  Finally 
Mike  says:  'We  will  take  this  plank  and 
make  a  seesaw.  Then  we  can  both  work 
at  the  same  time.' 

"Pat  agreed  to  this,  and  the  plank  was 
shoved  out  of  the  window,  and  Pat  took  the 
outside  position.  They  hadn't  finished  the 
first  window  when  a  hurry-up  wagon  pass- 
ed through  the  street  and  Pat  looked  down. 
He  was  so  interested  that  he  dropped  part 
103 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

of  his  cleaning-  outfit  on  the  sidewalk  away 
below. 

"  'Mike/  he  says,  'I've  dropped  my  sham- 
my.' 

"  'Never  mind/  says  Mike,  'I'll  get  it  for 
you.' 

"So  Mike  jumps  off  his  end  of  the  seesaw 
and  runs  down  the  eleven  flights  of  stairs, 
because  this  was  before  the  elevators  had 
been  started. 

"When  Ee  reached  the  sidewalk  Pat  was 
there  ahead  of  him,  of  course.  Mike  was 
greatly  disgusted. 

"  'Pfwat  was  your  dum  hurry?'  he  says. 
And  then  the  ambulance  came." 


STEERING  CLEAR  OF  SIN. 

Milkman — Johnny,  did  you  put  water  in 
the  milk  this  morning? 

New  Assistant — Yes,  sir. 

Don't  you  know  that  is  wicked,  Johnny? 

But  you  told  me  to  mix  water  with  the 
milk. 

Yes,  but  I  told  you  to  put  the  water  in 
first  and  pour  the  milk  into  it.  Then,  you 
see,  we  can  tell  the  people  we  never  put 
water  in  our  milk. 

104 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

THE   FAIR   GRADUATE. 

"Mamie,"  said  a  grammar  school  girl  to 
a  member  of  the  gfraduating  class,  "have  you 
finished  your  essay  ?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  gushed  Mamie;  "and  it  is  too 
lovely  for  anything — a  Princess  slip  of 
white  surah,  the  back  cut  off  a  little  below 
the  waist  line,  and  full  breadths  of  silk  gath- 
ered in  so  as  to  hang  gracefully  over  the 
toumure,  and  three  bias  ruffles  on  the — 

"Why,  what  are  you  talking  about?"  in- 
terrupted her  friend.  "I  mean,  have  you 
finished  writing  your  essay,  you  know  ?" 

"Er — ^no,"  said  Mamie,  her  enthusiasm 
rapidly  diminishing;  "but  I  have  commenc- 
ed it,  and  I  wish  the  awful  thing  was  in 
Halifax !" 

"What's  the  subject?" 

"  'The  Curse  of  Slang.'  " 

"Gracious!  Isn't  that  a  difficult  subject 
to  write  up?" 

"Difficult?  Well,  I  should  giggle.  I'll 
have  to  hump  myself  to  get  it  finished  in 
time  for  commencement,  and  I've  a  good 
notion  to  let  it  slide.  I  might  shut  up  the 
Professor's  optic  by  pleading  illness,  but  I'm 
not  that  sort  of  a  hairpin.  But  come,  waltz 
105 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

up  into  my  room  and  look  at  my  stunning 
graduating  harness.     It'll  paralyze  you." 


A   GOOD   SUGGESTION. 

A  German  officer  who  was  over  head  and 
ears  in  debt,  said  to  a  friend : 

"I  owe  so  much  money  that  I  have  got  to 
do  one  of  two  desperate  things." 

"What  are  they?" 

"I  must  either  marry  a  woman  with 
money,  or  commit  suicide.  Which  do  you 
recommend  ?" 

"Marry,  by  all  means.  You  will  have 
plenty  of  time  and  justification  for  commit- 
ting suicide  afterward,"  replied  the  frien<L 


NOT  A  SECRET. 

He  placed  his  hand  upon  his  heart. 

"You  cannot  imagine,"  he  protested, 
"what  a  terrible  load  I  carry  and  yet  give  no 
sign  to  the  world." 

She  turned  away  her  head. 

"Believe  me,"  she  faltered,  "the  world 
knows." 

A  subtle  something  in  the  way  she  raised 
her  handkerchief  to  her  face  impelled  him 
to  surreptitiously  take  another  clove  or  two. 
io6 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


"NO    FLIES   ON    HER." 

ERE  is  an  experience  I 
had,  which  I  shall  not 
soon  forget.  A  few 
weeks  since  a  railroad 
collision  on  one  of  the 
roaas  leading  out  of 
New  York  killed, 
among  others,  a  passen- 
ger living  in  an  interior  town.  His  remains 
were  sent  home  in  good  shape,  and  a  few 
days  after  the  funeral  the  attorney  of  the 
road  called  upon  the  widow  to  effect  a  set- 
tlement. She  placed  her  damages  at  $20,- 
000. 

"Oh!  that  sum  is  unreasonable,"  replied 
the  attorney.     "Your  husband  was    nearly 
fifty  years  old." 
"Yes,  sir." 
"And  lame?" 
"Yes." 

"And  his  general  health  was  poor?" 
"Quite  poor." 

"And  he  probably  would  not  have  lived 
over  five  years?" 
"Probably  not,  sir." 

"Then  it  seems  to  me  that  two  or  three 
107 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

thousand  dollars  would  be  a  fair  compensa- 
tion." 

"Two  or  three  thousand!"  she  echoed. 
"Why,  sir,  I  courted  that  man  for  ten  years, 
run  after  him  for  ten  more,  and  then  had  to 
chase  him  down  with  a  shotgun  to  get  him 
before  a  preacher.  Do  you  suppose  that  I'm 
going  to  settle  for  bare  cost  of  shoe  leather 
and  ammunition !" 


THE    WILLIAM    GOAT. 

Mary  had  a  William  Goat 

jt^nd.  he  was  black  as  jet; 
He  followed  Mary  'round  all  day. 

And  liked  her!  you  just  bet! 

He  went  with  her  to  school  one  day. 

The  teacher  kicked  him  out; 
It  made  the  children  grin,  you  know. 

To  have  the  goat  about. 

But  though  old  Whackem  kicked  him  otit, 

Yet  still  he  lingered  near; 
He  waited  just  outside  the  door 

Till  Whackem  did  appear. 

Then  William  ran  to  meet  the  man, 

i-e  ran  his  level  best; 
And  met  him  just  behind,  you  know, 

Down  just  below  the  vest. 

Old  Whackem  turned  a  somersault; 

The  goat  stood  on  his  head; 
And  Mary  laughed  herself  so  sick 

She  had  to  go  to  bed. 

I08 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  MISUNDERSTANDING. 

A  well-dressed  man,  with  his  hat  tilted 
back  on  his  ruffled  hair,  and  an  excited  look 
in  his  eyes,  entered  Devoe's  art  store  at  loi 
Fulton  street  on  Wednesday  afternoon  and 
stalked  up  to  the  counter,  behind  which 
several  clerks  were  standing.  The  man 
slapped  his  hand  imperatively  on  the  counter. 
"I  want  a  quarter  'v'  a  million,"  he  cried, 
"and  I  want  it  quick." 

The  clerks  turned  pale  and  stared  at  the 
stranger.  A  porter  slid  quietly  to  the  door 
to  get  a  policeman.  The  well-dressed 
but  excited  stranger  started  at  the  clerks  in 
astonishment. 

"What  the  dickens  is  the  matter  with  you 
fellows,  anyhow?"  he  cried.  "Can't  I  get 
a  quarter  V  a  million  without  you  having 
fits?" 

"Pray  don't  get  excited,"  said  a  clerk,  pat- 
ting the  man  on  the  arm.  "The  porter  has 
just  gone  after  it.  We  can't  get  so  much 
money  in  a  second,  you  know." 

The  stranger  looked  thoughtful  a  mo- 
ment, then  laughed,  and  the  laugh  gave  the 
clerks  another  unpleasant  shock : 

"Ha,  ha!"  said  the  stranger.     "I  see,  I 
109 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

see.  Don't  get  alarmed.  I  merely  want 
paint — paint,  not  cash.  A  quart  of  Vermil- 
lion paint." 

"The  clerks  recovered  their  self-posses- 
sion. "I  beg  your  pardon,"  said  one,  "but 
you  talked  so  fast  that  it  sounded  as  if  you 
had  demanded  a  quarter  of  a  million.  We 
thought  you  meant  dollars." 

The  stranger  got  his  paint  and  the  clerks 
went  out  and  treated  themselves. 


CLOSE   QUARTERS. 

A  New  York  street  car  was  fearfully 
crowded,  and  one  gentleman  who  was  jam- 
med up  against  another  gentleman  said  to 
him: 

"This  is  worse  than  the  black  hole  of  Cal- 
cutta. I'm  almost  suffocated.  A  sardine 
in  a  box  when  compared  to  this  jam  is  a 
hermit  in  a  desert," 

"It  don't  seem  at  all  crowded  to  me.  I 
was  in  Washington  during  the  inaugura- 
tion," replied  the  other  party  cheerfully. 


Why  is  a  spider  a  good  correspondent? 
Because  he  drops  a  line  at  every  post. 

IIO 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PAT'S  REASON. 

HERE  was  once  an  Irish- 
man, who  sought  em- 
ployment as  a  diver, 
bringing  with  him  his 
native  enthusiasm  and  a 
certain  amount  of  experience.  Although 
he  had  never  been  beneath  the  water,  he  had 
crossed  an  ocean  of  one  variety  and  swallow- 
ed nearly  an  ocean  of  another.  But  he  had 
the  Hibernian  smile,  which  is  convincing, 
and  the  firm  chanced  to  need  a  new  man. 
And  so  on  the  following  Monday  morning 
Pat  hid  his  smile  for  the  first  time  in  a 
diving  helmet. 

Now,  the  job  upon  which  the  crew  to 
which  Pat  had  attached  himself  was  working 
in  comparatively  shallow  water,  and  Pat 
was  provided  with  a  pick  and  told  to  use  it 
on  a  ledge  below  in  a  manner  with  which  he 
was  already  familiar. 

Down  he  went  with  his  pick,  and  for 
about  fifteen  minutes  nothing  was  heard 
from  him.  Then  came  a  strong,  determin- 
ed, deliberate  pull  on  the  signal  rope,  indi- 
cating that  Pat  had  a  very  decided  wish  to 
come  to  the  top.  The  assistants  pulled 
III 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor, 

him  hastily  to  the  raft  and  removed  his  hel- 
met. 

"Take  off  the  rist  av  it,"  said  Pat. 

"Take  off  the  rest  of  it?" 

"Yis,"  said  Pat.  "Oi'll  worrik  no  lonjjer 
on  a  domn  job  phere  Oi  can't  spit  on  me 
hands." 

— Col.  A.  J.  Brown. 


ON  THE  STAIRS. 

We  were  sitting,  after  waltzing. 

On  the  stairs. 
He,  before  I  could  forbid  it. 
Stole  a  rose,  ere  yet  I  massed  it, 
Anjd,  as  tenderly  he  kissed  it. 
Swiftly  in  his  pocket  hid  it. 

Unawares. 


We  were  talking,  after  waltzing. 

On  the  stairs. 
I  had  said  that  he  should  rue  it. 
And  a  lecture  I  intended. 
Which  I  think  he  apprehended; 
I  was  kissed  before  I  knew  it. 

Unawares. 

We  were  silent,  after  waltzing. 

On  the  stairs, 
I  had  stormed  with  angry  feeling. 
But  he  spoke  love,  never  heeding. 
And  my  eyes  fell  'neath  his  pleading. 
All  my  depth  of  love  revealing. 

Unawares.  — Boston  Courier. 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

THE  JOKER  IS  NOW  MISSING. 

The  other  day  a  man,  hitherto  without 
a  spot  on  his  character,  inquired  with  well- 
feigned  innocence : 

"How  can  five  persons  divide  five  eggs 
so  that  each  man  will  receive  one  and  still 
one  remain  in  the  dish?" 

After  the  company  went  all  but  distracted 
in  the  mazes  of  this  proposition,  the  fellow 
meanly  said : 

"One  takes  the  dish  with  the  egg." 


OUT  OF  SIGHT. 

The  servant  of  a  naval  commander,  an 
Irishman,  one  day  let  a  tea  kettle  fall  into 
the  sea,  upon  which  he  ran  to  his  master: 
"Arrah,  an'  pdase  your  honor,  can  anything 
be  said  to  be  lost  when  you  know  where  it 
is?" 

"Certainly  not,"  replied  the  officer. 

"Why,  thin,  by  my  sowl  and  St.  Patrick, 
the  tea  kettle  is  at  the  bottom  of  the  say." 


FILLED  A  WANT. 
He  was  cutting  an  item  from  a  news- 
paper. 

"It  tells  how  a  house  was  robbed,  and  I 
"3 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

.want  to  show  it  to  my  wife,"  he  explained. 

"What  good  will  that  do?"  a  friend  in- 
quired. 

"A  whole  lot,"  was  the  reply.  "You  see, 
this  house  was  robbed  while  the  man  was 
at  church  with  his  wife." 

"Say!"  exclaimed  the  friend,  excitedly, 
"you  haven't  got  a  duplicate  copy  of  that 
paper,  have  you  ?" 


SULLIVAN    AND    ALBERT    EDWARD. 

John  L.  Sullivan  says  that  the  King 
of  England  has  a  keen  sense  of  humor. 
"The  Prince  told  me  a  story  once,"  said 
Sullivan,  "which  struck  me  as  being  real 
good.  He  said  he  met  an  Irish  pugilist  and 
he  asked  him  if  he  could  whip  any  man  in 
Ireland. 

"  'No,*  said  the  Irishman  readily,  'but  I 
can  whip  any  man  in  England.'  " 


Brown — ^Up  at  Hagenbeck's  show  there 
is  a  large  bear  that  hugs  a  woman  without 
killing  her. 

Jones — That's  nothing.  I've  often  seen 
a  lobster  do  that. 

114 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


A  HINT  TO  LOVERS. 

Said  a  chap  in  an  off-handed  way, 
To  a  damsel  coquettish  and  gay, 
"  I  wonder  if  I 
Had  the  heart  to  apply 
For  a  kiss,  would  I  get  it  or  nay?" 

Then  the  maiden  with  cunning  replied, 
"Such  requests  should  be  always  denied; 
It  is  safest  and  best 
To  defer  your  request — 
At  least  until  after  you've  tried." 


HIS  REASON. 

A  man  in  Texas  was  arrested  for  running 
away  with  three  sisters — triplets — and  was 
placed  on  trial. 

"You  are  a  nice  fellow,"  said  the  judge, 
as  a  preliminary. 

"I  know  it,  jedge;  leastwhile  that's  what 
the  gals  said." 

*'What   do   you    mean  by   running   away 

"5 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

with  three  women,  and  ruining  the  peace  of 
a  happy  family?" 

"I  meant  to  marry  'em,  jedge." 
"Insatiate  monster,  would  not  one  suf- 
fice?" 

"Put  it  a  leetle  plainer,  jedge," 
"Wouldn't  one  have  been  enough?" 
"It  mought  looked  that  er  way  to  you, 
jedge,  and  did  to  me  at  fust,  but  you  see 
there  was  three  of  'em,  kind  of  one  set 
like." 

"That  doesn't  count  in  law." 
"Mebbe  it  don't,  jedge,  but  them  gals  and 
me  talked  it  all  over,  and  they  was  mighty 
attached  to  each  other,  and  said  it  was  a 
pity  for  me  to  take  one  of  them  triplets 
and  break  the  set,  so  we  just  concluded  to 
hang  together,  and  I'll  be  durned  if  we 
wasn't  a  hangin'  right  out  fer  Utah,  and 
no  mistake." 

"The  law  does  not  recognize  any  such 
excuses." 

"All  right,  ole  man;  go  ahead.  There 
was  three  agin  one,  and  if  I  have  to  suffer, 
I  kin  stand  it ;  but  I  want  to  say  right  here, 
jedge,  if  any  fool  cuss  breaks  that  set  while 
I'm  sufferin',  I'll  break  his  durned  skull  as 
ii6 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

shore  as  I'm  a  dyin'  sinner,  and  you  can 
bet  a  rawhide  on  it." 
The  case  was  continued. 


AN  UNFORTUNATE  AFFAIR. 

That  was  a  sad  affair  which  happened 
yesterday.  A.  stranger  who,  we  have  every 
reason  to  beHeve,  meant  well,  mounted  a 
goods  box  to  address  a  crowd  of  gentle- 
men who  had  shamrock  in  their  hat^.  The 
stranger  had  a  yellow  ribbon  in  his  but- 
tonhole. 

"This,"  said  he,  directing  attention  to 
the  ribbon,  "is  the  emblem  of  the  patriot; 
the  color — "     He  got  no  larther. 

"Why  in  the  world  did  you  wear  a  yel- 
low ribbon  on  such  an  occasion  ?"  asked  the 
doctor,  as  he  propped  him  up  in  bed. 
I       "Was  it  yellow,  doctor?" 
^       "It  was." 

"I  understand  it  all  now,"  said  the  patient 
wearily.  I'm  a  railroad  brakeman,  and  col- 
or blind." 


The  Man — Edison's  a  wonder,  isn't  he  ? 
The  Maid — I  don't  think  so!  You  can't 
turn  his  incandescent  lights  down  low. 
117 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

ORDER   CANCELLED. 

A  week  previous  to  the  return  of  the 
69th  Regt.,  N.  G.,  of  N.  Y.,  from  Chicka- 
mauga,  an  Irishman  connected  with  one  of 
the  prominent  Irish  organizations  went  to 
a  telephone  and  called  up  the  well-known 
firm  of  horse  dealers,  Fiss,  Dorr  &  Carroll, 
of  N.  Y.  City,  and  the  following  conversa- 
tion ensued :  "I  am  Tom  Gallagher,  one  of 
the  Committee  of  the  A.  O.  H.,  and  we 
want  you  to  sind  up  to  the  headquarters  of 
our  association,  on  Monday  morning  next, 
Twinty-Five  Milk  White  Horses,  as  we  are 
going  down  to  the  Hoboken  ferry  to  receive 
the  gallant  69th  'boys.'  "  One  of  the  firm 
answers  back:  "We  have  only  ten  White 
Horses  on  hand  at  present,  but  we  expect 
about  three  hundred  Green  Horses  in  a  day 
or  two  and  possibly  will  be  able  to  select 
the  balance  from  that  lot."  Gallagher  be- 
came excited  and  says:  "Well,  if  that  is 
the  case  cancel  the  order  for  the  Twinty- 
five  White  Horses  and  sind  us  up  Fifty 
Green  Horses.  — Alex.  J.  Brown. 


After  a  man  has  been  married  a  few  years 
his  bump  of  hope  becomes  a  dent. 
118 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

SHE  GOT  THE  VERDICT. 

ERMIT  me  to  remark  you 
should  never  cross-ques- 
tion an  Irshman  if  you  are 
wise,  says  one  of  the  fore- 
most railroad  attorneys  of 
the  age.  "Even  if  he  does 
not  think  of  an  answer  he 
will  stumble  into  some  bull 
that  will  demoralize  the  court  and  jury,  and 
whenever  a  witness  tickles  a  jury  his  testi- 
mony gains  vastly  in  its  influence. 

"Yes,  I'm  speaking  from  experience.  The 
only  witness  who  ever  made  me  throw  up 
my  hands  and  leave  the  courtroom  was  a 
green  Irishman.  A  section  hand  had  been 
killed  by  an  express  train  and  his  widow 
was  suing  for  damages.  I  had  a  good  case, 
but  made  the  mistake  of  trying  to  turn  the 
main  witness  inside  out. 

"In  his  quaint  way  he  had  given  a  gra- 
phic description  of  the  fatality,  occasionally 
shedding  tears  and  calling  on  the  saints. 
Among  other  things  he  swore  positively 
the  locomotive  whistle  was  not  sounded  un- 
til after  the  whole  train  had  passed  over 

"9 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

his  departed  friend.  Then  I  thought  I  had 
him. 

"  'See  here,  McGinnis/  said  I,  'you  admit 
that  the  whistle  blew  ?' 

"  'Yis,  sor ;  it  blewed,  sor.' 

"  'Now  if  that  whistle  sounded  in  time  to 
give  Michael  warning  the  fact  would  be  in 
favor  of  the  company,  wouldn't  it?' 

"  'Yis,  sor,  and  Mike  would  be  tistifyin' 
here  this  day.'      The  jury  giggled. 

"  'Never  mind  that.  You  were  Mike*s 
friend,  and  you  would  like  to  help  his 
widow  out,  but  just  tell  me  now  what 
earthly  purpose  there  could  be  for  the  en- 
gineer to  blow  that  whistle  after  Mike  had 
been  struck.' 

"  'I  preshume  thot  the  whistle  wore  for 
the  nixt  man  on  the  thrack,  sor.' 

"I  left  and  the  widow  got  all  she  asked." 


SO    GLAD. 

Wife  (with  solicitude  of  tone) — "It  must 
be  very  lonesome  sitting  all  by  yourself  at 
night,  balancing  your  books." 

Husband  (tenderly) — "It  is,  my  darl- 
ing." 

.Wife — "I  have  been  thinking  about  it  for 
I20 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

some  time,  and  now  I  have  got  a  pleasant 
surprise  for  you." 

Husband — "A  pleasant  surprise?" 

Wife — "Yes,  dearest.  I  sent  for  mother 
yesterday,  and  I  expect  her  this  evening. 
I  mean  to  have  her  stay  with  us  quite 
awhile.  She  will  take  care  of  the  house  at 
night  and  look  to  the  children,  and  I  can 
go  down  and  sit  in  the  office  with  you  while 
you  work." 

Husband — "The  dev — that  is  to  say,  I 
couldn't  think  of  you  going  down  town." 

Wife — "It's  my  duty,  dearest.  I  ought 
to  have  thought  of  it  before,  but  it  never 
came  to  my  mind  till  yesterday.  Oh !  John, 
forgive  me  for  not  thinking  of  your  com- 
fort sooner.  But  I  will  go  and  sit  with  you 
tonight." 

Husband— "Tonight !  Why,  I— I— the 
fact  is  I  got  through  with  my  books  last 
night." 

Wife— "You  did?  How  delightful!  And 
so  you  can  now  stay  at  home  every  evening. 
I'm  so  glad  1" 

And  the  delighted  wife  ran  off  to  make 
preparations  for  the  reception  of  her  moth- 
er, while  the  husband,  with  sombre  brow, 

121 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

sat  looking  at  the  picture  of  a  poker  party, 
with  one  member  absent,  in  the  glowing 
grate. 


"I  presume  you  carry  a  memento  of  some 
sort  in  that  locket  of  yours?" 

"Precisely;  it  is  a  lock  of  my  husband's 
hair." 

"But  your  husband  is  still  alive." 

"Yes,  sir,  but  his  hair  is  all  gone." 


WITH  ALL  HER  FAULTS  I  LOVE  HER. 

It's  true  she  writes  a  scrawly  hand, 
Puts  in  two  "t's"  when  one  would  do. 
And  spells  "dog"  with  an  extra  "g;" 
But  not  a  girl  in  this  wide  land 
Is  half  so  dear,  and  very  few 
Onje  tenth  as  sweet  as  she  to  me. 

Dear  thing!  she  sometimes  says  "I  seen," 
"They  was,"  "I's  not,"  or  "so  be  you;" 
"Thiem's  yours,"   "they's   good" — ^harsh  to 
m-"-  ears; 
But  she  is  still  my  lovely  queen. 
Whose  heart-beats  are  to  mine  most  true, 
And  will  be  yet  for  many  years. 

Some  say  that  love  is  blind,  and  I 
Would  add  that  love  is  deaf  also, 

Thougli  grammarless  and  spelling  bad. 
My  love  ij  handsome,  sweet  and  shy. 
The  secret  of  our  love  you'd  know? 
bne's  only  five  and  I'm  1  -  r  dad. — Anon 

122 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

FROM  PILLAR  TO  POST. 

HE  man  at  the  desk  lookecl 
up. 

A  small  boy  stood  in 
the  doorway. 

"Are  you  the  man  that 
answers  the  questions  in 
the    newspaper  ?"     asked 
the  boy. 

"Yes.  What  can  I  do  for  you?" 
"Why,  it's  this  way.  I  found  a  pocket- 
book  the  other  day.  It  had  30  cents  in  it.  I 
took  it  to  the  newspaper  office  to  advertise  it, 
'cause  I  thought  that  was  the  honest  thing, 
and  they  told  me  it  would  cost  30  cents. 
Now,  if  I  take  the  money  out  of  the  pocket- 
book  to  pay  for  the  advertising  there  won't 
be  any  left  for  the  man  that  owns  it,  and  I 
don't  think  it's  my  place  to  advertise  it  and 
pay  for  it  myself.    Do  you?" 

"Is    the    pocketbook    itself    worth  any- 
thing?" 

"It's  no  good  on  earth.      Look  at  it." 

"I  see  it  isn't,"  said  the  man  at  the  desk. 

"What's  bothering  you,  my  son,  is  that  you 

want  to  know  whether  it  would  be  right, 

under  the  circumstances,  for  you  to  keep 

123 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

the  pocketbook  and  the  money.    Is  that  it  ?'* 
"Well,  I  want  to  do  the  square  thing." 
"I    see.     It  resolves  into    a  matter    of 

conscience.       Why  don't  you  go  and  ask 

your  pastor?" 

"I  did,"  said  the  boy,  "and  he  sent  me  to 

you." 


BANGS    THAT    CAUGHT    ON. 

It  isn't  every  girl  who  will  tell  on  herself, 
but  one  did.  She  came  to  the  store  and  re- 
turned a  fine  pair  of  bangs  she  had  bought 
the  day  previously.  "Can  you  not  sell  me 
some  that  will  not  come  off?" 

"Come  off!  Why  these  will  stay  with 
very  little  care." 

"Oh,  they  are  horrid.  They  catch  on  col- 
lar buttons  and  pull  off." 

The  proprietress  fainted,  the  assistant  fell 
on  the  chair  and  screamed  "What!"  while 
the  young  lady  departed  bangless  and  with- 
out her  change. 


A  Woman  Customer — Where  can  I  buy 
powder  ? 

The  Shop  Walker — Face,  gun  or  bug, 
madam  ? 

124 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

A  SMART  KID. 

=f  HE  fact  is  I  consider  myself 
fairly  up  to  snuff,"  said  the 
journalist,  "and  I  keep  myself 
in  pretty  good  shape  by  work- 
ing off  all  the  sharp  things  I 
hear  on  my  oldest  boy,  a 
youngster  of  about  12  years 
and  3  months.  He's  no  slouch  himself, 
takes  after  his  dad,  you  know,  but  I  usually 
down  him  before  I  finish.  The  other 
night  I  came  home  with  a  pretty  fair  bunch 
in  a  small  package  and  was  gloating  over 
my  victory  in  advance." 

"  'Say,  Buster,'  said  I  to  him, — Buster, 
isn't  his  name,  but  that's  what  I  call  him 
when  his  mother  isn't  listening — I've  got 
one  for  you.  Stand  up  and  take  it.  What 
is  the  longest  word  in  the  dictionary  ?' 

"  'Transmagnificanjubandality,*    said    he, 
following  some  old  instructions  I  had  given 
him  in  a  previous  scrap. 
"  'Nit,'  said  I. 
"  'Give  it  up,'  said  he. 
"  'It's  smiles,"  said  I,  'because  there's  a 
"mile"  between  the  first  letter  and  the  last.' 
"  'Rats,'  said  he  in  a  tone  of  disgust. 
125 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"  'And  what's  the  next,"  said  I. 

"  'Pass,"  said  he. 

"  'Rubber,'  said  I,  'because  if  it  isn't  long 
enough  you  can  stretch  it.' 

"Buster  was  still  for  a  minute  as  if  think- 
ing.    Then  he  came  at  me. 

"  'Your  "smiles"  is  good  enough,'  said  he, 
*and  your  "rubber"  ain't  so  bad,  but  I  know 
a  word  that's  longer.' 

"'What  is  it?"  said  I. 

"  'Guess  again,'  said  he. 

"  'There  isn't  any,'  said  I. 

"  'Bet  you  a  new  overcoat,'  said  he  with 
confidence. 

"  'Done,'  said  I  for  I  had  to  get  him  one 
anyhow.     'What's  the  word?' 

"  'L-o-n-g-e-r,'  said  he  spelling  it  out 
slowly,  and  I  hiked  back  to  the  rear  and  sat 
down.' " 


"Your  father  has  a  strong  box  at  home, 
hasn't  he,  Willie?"  said  the  teacher. 

"Yes'm,"  replied  Willie ;  "the  one  he  keeps 
the  limburger  in." 


A  man  never  knows  his  real  value  until 
he  is  sued  for  breach  of  promise. 
126 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

PADDY  BURNS'  PRISONER. 

HE  ex-Senator,  Thomas  J.  Crea- 
mer, tells  a  good  story  of  the 
palmy  days  when  the  Hon.  Paddy 
Burns  was  deputy  sheriff.  He 
was  frequently  detailed  to  take 
convicted  prisoners  to  Sing  Sing 
Prison.  One  day,  as  he  approach- 
ed the  entrance,  a  mild-mannered  prisoner 
held  out  a  pair  of  small  white  hands  chain- 
ed together  with  handcuffs.  ''Sheriff,"  he 
said,  in  pitiful  accents,  "Look  at  those  hands, 
they  will  be  no  good  in  the  quarries.  I'm 
here  for  ten  years.  It'll  kill  me  to  go  into 
the  quarries.  You  might  as  well  put  a 
titled  lady  in  the  laundry." 

"Ah,  be  aisy,  now,"  said  Paddy.  "You 
talk  so  much  you  twisht  the  eye  of  me." 

"I've  a  hundred  dollar  bill  in  my  vest 
pocket,  and — " 

"Whisper,  whisper,"  broke  in  Paddy,  with 
sudden  interest. 

"It's  my  last  hundred  dollars,"  the  pris- 
oner continued  in  a  low  tone,  "and  it's  yours 
if  you'll  only  keep  me  out  of  the  quarries." 

".What  can  ye  do,  now  ?"  Paddy  inquired. 
127 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Any  light  work,"  was  the  reply.  "Can 
you  get  me  something  easy  ?" 

"Well — now — I  don't  know.  Are  ye 
handy  wid  a  pin  ?" 

"Handy  with  a  pen?"  repeated  the  cap- 
tive with  sudden  energy,  "Heavens,  man, 
I'm  too  handy.      That's  what  I'm  here  for." 


A  NEW  NAME  FOR  IT. 
I  happened  to  be  walking  behind  a  couple 
of  school  children  the  other  day,  when  one, 
a  lad  of  about  nine  years,  turned  to  his  com- 
panion and  said :  "Say,  Skinny,  we  don't 
say  'chestnuts'  no  more  down  to  our  school, 
we  say  church  bell." 

"Aw,  g'long.    Yer  tryin'  to  get  off  some 
gag  on  me." 

"No,  I  hain't.    Hope  to  die,  and  cross  my 
heart,  if  I  am !" 

"Honestly  and  truly?" 

"Ah,  ha!" 

"Well,  then,  if  there  ain't  no  gag,  why 
do  you  say  church  bell  ?" 

"'Cause  it's  been  tolled  before." 

"Hah !    I  don't  see  anything  so  very  fun- 
ny about  that." 

128 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

SEANCE  OF  F0RGETFULNE88. 

HREE  ladies  at  tea  during 
conversation,  fell  upon  the 
subject  of  their  respective 
husbands'  hopeless  condition 
of  "forgetfulness."  One 
was  a  clergyman's  wife,  one  was  a  grocery- 
man's  spouse  and  the  third  was  a  drummer's 
better  half.  Says  Mrs,  Divinity:  "Why 
my  husband  is  so  absent-minded  that  I  have 
to  continually  exert  the  most  watchful  care, 
or  he'll  preach  the  same  sermon  over  two  or 
three  times." 

The  groceryman's  wife  said :  "My  hus- 
band— I  can't  for  my  life  really  understand 
what  has  got  into  him  lately;  we  cannot 
trust  him  to  fill  any  of  the  orders  that  come 
into  the  store.  If  we  do  he  gets  them  all 
mixed  up  and  the  customers  are  making  a 
fearful  fuss ;  he's  the  most  forgetful  man  I  \ 
ever  heard  of."  | 

It  had  now  arrived  for  Mrs.  Drummer's 
experience.  We  all  know  the  versatility  of 
the  knight  of  the  "grip"  for  yarning,  and 
as  the  sequel  will  show  the  drummer's  wife 
had  partaken  of  his  fund  of  humor.  Says 
ghe:  'Talk  about  forgetfulness;  why,  my 
X29 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

husband  'takes  the  bun.'  He  came  home  the 
other  night  after  a  protracted  trip  of  sev- 
eral weeks'  duration.  We  had  retired,  and 
as  he  was  fatigued  he  went  right  to  sleep. 
Shortly  his  hand  fell  to  stroking  my  cheek. 
At  the  same  time  he  said:  'Darling,  won't 
you  please  tell  me  what  your  real  name  is." 
— Providence  Dispatch. 


DELICATELY  DONE. 

"Ah,  madam,"  he  said,  as  he  extended  a 
hand  to  help  her  up.  "I  never  saw  a  more 
graceful  fall.  You  threw  up  your  arms  like 
a  born  actress,  your  little  feet  indulged  in  a 
shuffle,  and  down  you  settled  with  a  swan- 
like movement,  which  was  superb." 

"Really,  sir?" 

"Honest  Injun,  madam." 

And  he  picked  up  a  No.  7  rubber  which 
had  been  flung  from  her  left  foot,  turned 
her  back  to  a  dint  in  the  snow  which  looked 
as  if  a  cottage  had  been  upset  there,  and, 
raising  his  hat  and  making  a  profound  bow, 
he  took  his  leave,  while  she  got  aboard  a 
street  car  and  continued  to  blush  and  smile 
for  sixteen  blocks. 

130 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 


THINK  'EM  OVER. 

HEAR  they  are  trying  to 
close  up  the  gambHng  estab- 
lishments in  New  York.  Why 
didn't  they  close  up  Adam? 
He  was  the  first  gambler. 
Didn't  he  start  the  races  ? 

A  woman  has  more  on  her 
than  a  man.  She's  scared 
to  death  of  a  mouse.  And  yet  she'll  go 
'round  all  day  with  a  rat  in  her  hair. 

This  morning  a  little  after  12  ©'clock  as 
I  was  coming  home  I  was  approached  by  a 
highwayman.  I  said  to  him ;  "what  do  you 
want?"     He  said,  "what  you  have  got." 

As  he  reached  for  his  gun,  his  foot  slip- 
ped and  I  held  him  up. 

The  other  day  as  I  was  walking  up  the 
street,  a  man  picked  up  a  paving  stone  and 
threw  it  at  a  Hebrew.  The  Hebrew  dodged 
and  the  stone  struck  me  in  the  synagogue 
— ^the  temple,  I  mean. 

— Frank  Cushman. 


"I  went  to  bed  last  night  and  dreamed 
that  I  died." 

"And  the  heat  woke  you  up?" 
131 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

CORRECTING    A    MISTAKE. 

The  tender  of  a  drawbridge  over  Harlem 
river,  who  had  swung  his  portcullis  to  al- 
low a  schooner  to  pass  up  the  river,  was 
warml  and  violently  assailed  by  the  captain 
of  the  craft  for  some  slight  inattention  to 
duty  a  few  days  previous. 

"If  I  had  you  down  on  the  deck  of  this 
vessel  I'd  break  our  neck,"  said  the  skipper, 
shaking  his  fist  like  a  small  ham. 

"Yer  would,  would  ye,  yer  check-headed 
salthorse  ?  If  yer  was  on  the  plankin'  of  the 
bridge  I'd  knock  the  flure  wid  yer  ugly  car- 
cass, an'  hang  yer  up  to  dry  on  the  truss." 

"Shut  up,  you  animated  slush  bucket.  For 
two  brass  pins  I'd  send  my  cabin  boy  up  to 
feed  distillery  hogs  with  your  remains,  you 
chop-snooted  son  of  a  gun." 

"Arrah,  ye  bandy-legged  horse-marine, 
I've  a  big  notion  to  drop  down  off  the  bridge 
an'  maul  yer  to  a  pulp." 

"Well,  why  don't  you  drop?"  sneered  the 
captain.  "Just  drop  and  I'll  feed  fishes  with 
you." 

"Yer  a  lyin'  skip-jack." 

"You're  a  red-nosed  scavenger  with  blue 
mould  and  a  cock  eye.  I  am  going  to  tie  up 
13a 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

just  above  here,  and  I'll  give  you  a  lively  in- 
terview when  I  get  asHore." 

"Is  it  tie  up  yer  goin'  ter  be  after  doin  ?" 
inquired  the  bridge  tender  anxiously. 

"That's  just  what  I'm  going  to  do,  cap." 

"Kerrect,  me  lad.  When  yer  have  tied 
up  yer  schooner,  kum  oop  here,  and  we'll 
take  in  the  lager  beer  saloon  jist  feminst 
the  aste  ind  of  the  bridge.  Perhaps  I've 
made  a  mistake." 

"All  right,  my  heartie.  Mebbe  I  too  was 
a  little  quick,  but  I'll  be  there,  because  when 
I  drink  I  always  aim  to  do  it  with  gentle- 
men." 

"An'  it's  a  gentleman  yer  is,  cap." 


THE  RETORT  COURTEOUS. 

A  Scotch  girl,  rosy  cheeked  and  demure, 
was  in  one  corner  of  a  compartment  in  a 
Continental  train.  In  the  comer  opposite 
sat  a  heavy  German.  The  Scotch  girl  was 
reading  in  the  Bible.  The  German  noticed 
the  fact.  After  looking  the  girl  over  criti- 
cally he  asked  her  whether  she  actually  be- 
lieved all  she  found  in  the  Bible. 

"Aye,"  answered  she,  raising  her  eyes  to 
him  from  the  page. 

133 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Not  the  story  of  Adam  and  Eve?*' 

"Aye." 

"Andof  Cain  and  Abel?" 

"Aye." 

"But  certainly  you  don't  believe  the  story 
of  Jonah  and  the  whale?" 

The  girl  said  she  believed  that,  too.  The 
German  was  puzzled. 

"But  how  are  you  going  to  prove  it  ?  Ask 
Jonah  when  you  get  to  heaven?" 

That  idea  struck  the  girl  as  a  good  one, 
and  she  said  she  could  prove  it  that  way. 

"Suppose  he  isn't  there?  What  then? 
How  would  you  prove  it?" 

"Ah,"  said  the  demure  maiden,  "then 
you  ask  him." 


SHE  MARRIED  A  LORD. 

"What  has  become  of  your  neice,  Miss 
Murphy,  Mrs.  O'Raherty?" 

"Och,  sure  an'  she's  done  well  wid  her- 
silf.     She  married  a  lord." 

"Why,  you  don't  tell  me!  An  English 
lord?" 

"No;  I  don't  think  he's  an  English  lord. 
He's  a  landlord.  He  kapes  a  hotel  out  in 
Indiana." 

134 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

O,  WOMAN,   LOVELY  WOMAN. 

ERHAPS  you  don't  imagine 
that  there  are  some  queer 
couples  in  the  world,  re- 
marked a  real  estate  agent. 
"The  other  day  a  man  and 
a  woman  called  to  see  me 
about  renting  a  flat.  The  woman  did  all  the 
talking,  and  turned  to  the  man  for  confirma- 
tion or  corroboration.  He  always  agreed 
with  her,  and  did  it  very  meekly." 

"Well,"  said  the  woman,  "I'll  give  you 
$25  for  this  flat ;  won't  we,  John?" 
"Yes'm." 

"And   I'll   pay   my   rent   promptly,   too; 
won't  we,  John  ?" 
"Yes'm." 

"And  take  good  care  of  the  house;  won't 
I,  John?" 
"Yes'm." 

"But,"   I   inquired,  as  is  usual  in  such 
cases,  "are  you  man  and  wife?" 

"Man  and  wife!"  exclaimed  the  woman, 
sharply;  "indeed,     we  are  not;     are     we, 
John?" 
"No'm." 
"Whatl"  says  I,  "not  man  and  wife?" 

IS5 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

"Not  much!  I'd  have  you  know  that  in 
this  family  we  are  wife  and  man;  ain't  we, 
John?" 

"Yes'm." 


HOW   TO   GET   RID   OF   HIM. 

A  middle  aged  but  rich  widow,  who  had  a 
very  disagreeable  temper,  being  in  fact  a 
perfect  virago,  complained  to  her  son-in-law 
that  she  was  annoyed  by  the  attentions  of 
a  certain  man. 

"How  shall  I  get  rid  of  him  ?"  she  asked. 

"Marry  him,"  laconically  replied  the  son-- 
in-law. 

"I'd  see  him  hanged  first." 

"Just  marry  him,  and  it  won't  be  long  be- 
fore he'll  hang  himself." 


WHY  HER  TEMPER  WAS  BAD. 

"Did  you  know  that  Xanthippe,  wife  of 
one  of  the  greatest  of  ancient  philosophers, 
was  a  great  scold?" 

"Certainly;  but  just  think  what  a  g^eat 
tease  her  husband  was." 

"A  great  tease  ?" 

"Yes;  Socrates." 

136 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

NO  MORE   KISSING. 

GOOD  many  male  friends 
of  Bill  Chinks  attended 
his  wedding,  which  took 
place  in  a  room  of  the 
bride's  parents'  residence 
in  the  country  a  few 
evenings  ago.  After  the 
minister  had  finished  the  ceremony.  Bill, 
without  moving  from  his  position,  said: 

"Now,  Mr.  Preacher,  what's  yer  charge 
fur  splicin'  us  ?" 

"Oh,  well,  just  what  you  feel  like  giving." 
"Wall,  I  feel  like  givin'  a  good  deal,  fur  it 
was  a  good  job.       But  here's  a  quarter, 
which  is  all  I've  got." 

"Very  well,  sir;  I  can't  take  more  than 
is  given  me." 

And  then  Bill,  taking  hold  of  his  bride's 
right  hand  with  his  left,  turned  to  the  crowd 
and  said : 

"Now,  gentleman,  I  don't  know  but  all 
you  fellers  may  hav  had  a  whack  at  kissin* 
Mariar  afore  she  wus  married,  but  now  this 
'ere  gal's  my  property.  I've  paid  fur  her 
and  she's  mine;  and  the  first  feller  I  catch 
or  hear  of  kissin'   her   agin    I'll    whale. 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

Them's  my  terms.  Now  let  the  fiddler  chune 
up  his  vierlin." 


THE  EFFICACY  OF  A  COUNTERSIGN. 

While  Colonel  Oilman,  with  the  Middle 
Tennessee  Regiment,  was  occupying  Nash- 
ville during  the  late  war,  he  stationed  sen- 
tries and  patrols  in  all  the  principal  streets 
in  the  city. 

One  day  an  Irishman  who  had  not  been 
long  enlisted  was  put  on  duty  at  a  promi- 
nent crossing,  and  he  kept  a  sharp  and  faith- 
ful watch.    Presently  a  citizen  came  along. 

"Halt!    Who  goes  there?" 

"A  citizen,"  was  the  response. 

"Advance  and  give  the  countersign." 

"I  have  not  the  countersign,"  replied  the 
indignant  citizen,  "and  the  demand  for  it 
at  this  time  and  place  is  unusual." 

"Well,  begorrah !  ye  don't  pass  this  way 
until  ye  say  Bunker  Hill." 

The  citizen,  appreciating  the  situation, 
smiled  and  advanced  to  the  sentry,  and  cau- 
tiously whispered  the  magic  words. 

"Right !    Pass  on !"  and  the  wide-awake 
sentinel  resumed  his  beat. 
138 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

SUSPICIOUS. 

ERE  in  Washington  lives 
a  young-  woman  who, 
while  not  a  conspicuous 
beauty,  is  by  no  means 
homely  as  she  affects  to 
believe.  A  young  man  has  been  devoting 
much  of  his  time  to  her,  and  she  has  given 
him  reason  to  think  that  his  society  pleased 
her.     The  other  evening  he  said : 

"Do  you  believe  that  you  could  learn  to 
care  for  anybody  well  enough  to  marry 
him?" 

She  caught  her  breath  and  then  answered 
in  a  low  tone: 

"Yes ;  I  am  sure  I  could." 

"Have  you — have  you  anybody  in  your 
mind  for  whom  you  could  care  in  this  way  ?" 

"Yes." 

"Tell  me ;  am  I  that  person?" 

She  opened  her  lips  to  speak  and  then 
closed  them  without  speaking.  She  looked 
at  him  narrowly  for  a  moment,  and  then 
said: 

"First  answer  me  one  question." 

"What  is  it?" 

"Are  you  doing  this  on  a  bet  ?** 

139 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

TOO  MUCH   FOR  HIM. 

Mr.  Hummer  had  appeared  to  be  nervous 
for  some  time. 

Ever  and  anonymously  he  would  lower 
his  paper  and  look  over  his  spectacles  at  the 
clock,  and  his  face  would  take  on  a  more 
cruel   and   determined   expression. 

Mrs.  Hummer  said  nothing,  as  she  rap- 
idly plied  her  needle,  but  occasionally  she 
also  would  cast  furtive  and  anxious  glances 
at  her  husband's  face. 

Neither  the  husband  nor  the  wife  broke 
the  silence,  until  the  old-fashioned  clock  on 
the  mantle-piece  had  a  mysterious  inward 
convulsion,  and  chimed  out  the  hour  of  ri. 
Then,  with  a  sudden  gesture,  Mr.  Hummer 
threw  down  his  paper,  and  turned  to  his 
wife,  with  suppressed  fierceness  in  his  man- 
ner, and  asked : 

"Is  that  young  Beauman  in  the  parlor 
yet?" 

Mrs.  Hummer  could  only  nod  in  reply, 
while  her  face  assumed  an  even  more  anx- 
ious expression. 

A  moment  Mr.  Hummer  hesitated,  and 
then,  rising  with  but  poorly  concealed  anger, 
he  drew  upon  his  right  foot  the  heavy  boot 
140 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. . 

which  had  covered  it  during  the  day,  and, 
while  dear,  timid  little  Mrs.  Hummer  con- 
cealed her  face  in  her  handkerchief,  tiptoed 
softly  out  into  the  front  hall,  and  as  silently 
closed  the  door. 

All  was  still.  The  silence  seemed  almost 
painful  to  the  tender-hearted  little  mother 
waiting  in  the  living  room,  and  she  longed 
to  warn  her  daughter's  lover  of  his  peril. 

Minutes  passed,  which  seemed  as  hours, 
but  there  came  to  her  ears  no  sound  of  viol- 
ent altercation.    The  suspense  was  terrible. 

Suddenly  the  door  opened  softly,  and  old 
Mr.  Hummer  tiptoed  in  again,  like  the  "Son 
John"  of  histor}-,  with  one  boot  off  and  one 
boot  on,  and  stood  before  her. 

For  full  a  minute  he  stood  gazing  silently 
at  his  wife,  with  a  puzzled  expression  upon 
his  face,  while  faintly  indistinctly  from  the 
parlor  came  the  soft  sound  of  sweet  con- 
verse still  unbroken. 

"Well?"  interrogated  Mrs,  Hummer  at 
length. 

"Well,"  ainswered  tbe  old  man,  "what  do 
you  b'l'eve  that  impudent  youn  snipper 
snapper  has  got  but  a  short-nosed,  loppered, 
cross-eyed,  bow-legged,  white  bull  pup  lay- 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

in'  on  the  mat  in  front  of  the  parlor  door, 
that  won't  let  a  fond  parent  come  within 
ten  feet  of  him." 


HIS  WIFE  WAS  WITH  HIM. 

"So  you've  been  out  West  ?"  he  queried  of 
a  citizen  who  returned  the  other  day. 

"Yes." 

"Lots  of  snow  out  there?" 

"Millions  of  acres.  I  was  snowbound  on 
a  train  for  fifteen  hours.  There  were  twen- 
ty-two ballet  girls  in  my  car." 

"And  your  wife  was  with  you?" 

"Alas!  yes." 

"Great  Scott !  but  how  you  must  have 
suffered !" 


HE  WAS    POSTED. 

"What  is  the  leading  branch  in  your 
school  ?"  asked  a  lady  of  a  teacher. 

Before  the  teacher  could  vouchsafe  a  re- 
ply, a  little  boy  interrupted  the  conversation 
with: 

"I  know!" 

"And  what  is  it,  little  boy?"  asked  the 
lady. 

"That  switch  in  the  corner,  ma'am." 
142 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

HIS   OWN    GRAND- FATHER. 

HEN  I  married  the 
widow  she  had  a 
grown  up  step- 
daughter. My  fa- 
ther came  to  see  me, 
of  course,  and,  being 
a  widower,  he  fell 
in  love  with  my- 
step-daughter  and  married  her.  My  father, 
therefore,  became  my  son-in-law,  and  my 
step-daughter  became  my  mother,  because 
she  had  married  my  father. 

In  due  time  my  wife  had  a  son,  who  was, 
of  course,  my  father's  brother-in-law  and 
my  uncle,  for  he  was  the  brother  of  my  step- 
daughter. My  father's  wife,  who  was  my 
step-daughter,  remember,  also  had  a  son, 
who  was  my  brother  and  at  the  same  time 
my  grandchild,  for  he  was  the  son  of  my 
daughter. 

Now  my  wife  was  my  grondmother,  be- 
cause she  was  my  mother's  mother.  I  was 
therefore,  my  wife's  husband  and  grand- 
child, and  as  the  husband  of  a  person's 
grandmother  is  his  grandfather,  I  was  my 
own  grandfather. 

143 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

WHAT  KILLED  HIM. 

Wife  (with  newspaper)  to  husband— 
"Here  is  another  forcible  temperance  lec- 
ture: (Reads)  'Young  Spillers  got  into  a 
boat  and  shoved  out  into  the  river,  and  as 
he  was  intoxicated,  he  upset  the  boat,  fell 
into  the  river  and  was  drowned.'  Now,  sir 
(addressing  her  husband),  if  he  had  not 
drunk  whisky  he  would  not  have  lost  his 
life." 

Husband — "Let  me  see.  He  fell  into  the 
river,  didn't  he?" 

Wife— "Of  course  he  did." 

Husband— "Didn't  die  until  he  fell  in?" 

Wife — "James,  you  are  positively  silly. 
Of  course  he  didn't  die  until  he  was  drown- 
ed." 

Husband — "Then  it  was  the  water  that 
killed  him." 


} 


CHANGEABLE   MAILS. 

"The  mails  have  changed,  madam,"  said 
the  clerk  at  the  post  office  window,  in 
answer  to  a  question  about  the  time  for  the 
arrival  of  the  letter  pouch. 

"Yes,  indeed,"  replied  the  old  lady,  plac- 
ing both  hands  on  the  window    ed^e    an4 

J44 


f  Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

looking  straight  into  the  clerk's  eyes,  "the 
males  have  changed.  When  I  was  a  girl 
we  didn't  hear  of  half  the  wickedness  that 
.we  do  now,  and  all  owing  to  the  males." 

"But  the  mails  I  mean " 

"I  know  what  males  you  mean.  The  pa- 
pers are  full  of  their  goin's  on.  And  it's  a 
perfect  shame.  Seems  though  men  get  mar- 
ried nowadays  just  to  be  supported.  When 
I  was  a  girl  a  man  would  a-been  ashamed 
to  live  off  his  wife's  money;  but  law,  they 
think  nothing  of  it  now.  They  even  hold 
themselves  in  the  market  to  be  bought  up  by 
some  rich  girl,  like  that  Prince  of  What-you- 
may-call-it,  over  in  Paris.  Broke  off  the 
engagement  because  she  didn't  bid  high 
enough,  didn't  he?  A  man  like  that  ought 
not  to  be  worth  more  'n  five  cents.  Any- 
how, you're  quite  right,  young  man,  the 
males  have  changed." 

Then  the  old  lady  went  away,  pleased 
that  she  had  been  able  to  free  her  mind. 


The  street  car  lurched,  she  fell  ker-flumpi 
But  got  up  with  a  happy  smile. 
And  to  the  young  man  said :  "Please,  sir. 
How  many  laps  are  to  the  mile?" 

145 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

WHERE  HE  WAS  GREAT. 

She  had  purchased  two  boxes  of  matches 
a  few  minutes  before,  and  as  she  returned 
the  grocer  asked : 

"Did  you  forget  something?" 

"It's  about  the  matches,  sir,"  she  repHed. 
"I  see  you  have  given  me  two  boxes  of  par- 
lor matches." 

"Well,  isn't  that  all  right?" 

"No,  sir.  I've  got  to  use  them  in  the 
kitchen  as  well.  You  may  trade  one  box  for 
kitchen  matches." 


"I  had  soup  in  a  restaurant  the  other  day 
and  found  an  oyster  in  it." 

"Great  Scott!  That  one  oyster  in  the 
soup  joke  is  old." 

"Yes,  but  this  was  tomato  soup." 


The  following  is  a  resolution  of  an  Irish 
corporation:  "That  a  new  jail  should  be 
built,  that  this  be  done  out  of  the  materials 
of  the  old  one,  and  the  old  jail  to  be  used  un- 
til the  new  one  be  completed." 


Why  is  a  goat  nearly?    Because  it  is  all 
146 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

BARRYMORE'S  FEAR. 

IVE  or  six  gentlemen  were  in 
Chicago  talking  in  a  hotel  cor- 
ridor, when  a  wine  agent  in- 
truded on  a  party  of  which 
Maurice  Barrymore  was  one  of 
the  group.  He  told  Barry- 
more  he  was  a  man  of  good 
taste,  a  man  of  the  world  and  all  that,  and 
wound  up  by  asking:  "When  you  want  a 
bottle  of  wine  in  future  will  you  not  gratify 
me  by  asking  for  my  wine  ?" 

"Why,  of  course,"  answered  Barrymore, 
most  graciously.  "I  shall  be  delighted  to 
ask  for  your  wine.  But — heavens — sup- 
pose they  should  have  it !" 


"What  do  you  think  of  the  statement  that 
there  are  three  hundred  haunted  houses  in 
ISJew  York?"  asked  Mr.  Knickerbocker. 

"Oh,"  replied  Jones,  "that  only  ghost  to 
show  how  plentiful  spirits  are  here. 


"I'm  nearly  starved.    Just  got  in  from  a 
three-hour  trip  on  the  New  York  Central. 

"But  couldn't  you  get  anything  to  eat  on 
the  train?" 

"Nope!    It  was  a  'fast'  train/* 
147 


'Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

KISSES  BY  MAIL. 

HE  young  postmaster  of 
a  village  post-office  was 
hard  at  work  when 
a  gentle  tap  was 
heard  on  the  door, 
and  in  stepped  a 
bashful  maiden  of 
sixteen,  with  a  mon- 
ey order,  which  she 
desired  cashed.  She  handed  it  to  the  of- 
ficial with  a  bashful  smile,  who,  after  close- 
ly examining  it,  handed  her  the  money  it 
called  for.  At  the  same  time  he  asked  her 
if  she  had  read  what  was  written  on  the 
margin  of  the  order. 

"No,  I  have  not,"  she  replied,  "for  I  can- 
not make  it  out.  Will  you  please  read  it 
for  me?" 

The  young  postmaster  read  as  follows:  ^ 
"I  send  you  $3  and  a  dozen  kisses."  i 

Glancing  at  the  bashful  girl,  he  said: 
"Now,  I  have  paid  you  the  money  and  I 
suppose  you  want  the  kisses !" 

"Yes,"  she  said,  "if  he  has  sent  me  any 
kisses,  I  want  them,  too." 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  the  rest 
148 


Rare-Bits  of  Humor. 

of  the  order  was  promptly  paid,  and  in  a 
scientific  manner  at  that,  and  eminently  sat- 
isfactory to  the  country  maiden. 

After  she  arrived  home  she  remarked  to 
her  mother :  "Eh,  mother,  but  this  postoffice 
system  of  ours  is  a  great  thing,  developing 
more  and  more  every  year,  and  each  new 
feature  added  seems  to  be  the  best.  Jimmy 
sent  me  a  dozen  kisses  along  with  the  money 
order,  and  the  postmaster  gave  me  twenty. 
It  beats  the  special  delivery  system  all  hol- 
low." 


WANTED  TO   BE   CALLED   DARLING. 

A  Boston  man  who  was  looking  for  a 
"spec"  in  the  new  mineral  range  of  the 
Lake  Superior  district  found  lOO  acres  of 
desirable  location  held  by  a  widow,  and 
when  he  asked  her  price  she  queried :  "Mar- 
ried or  single?" 

"Married,  ma'am." 

"Then  you  can  pass  on,  I've  had  two  hus- 
bands run  away  from  me,  and  lost  three 
children  by  death,  and  I'm  holding  this  as 
a  bait  for  something  that  wears  breeches  and 
will  call  me  darling." 


CONVIVIAL  TOASTS  FOR 
ALL  OCCASIONS. 


Here's  health  to  Columbia,  the  pride  of  the 

earth, 
The  Stars  and  Stripes — drink  the  land  of 

our  birth ! 
Toast  the  army  and  navy,  who  fought  for 

our  cause. 
Who  conquered  and  won   us   our   freedom 

and  laws. 


Here's  to  the  land  of  the  shamrock  so  green, 
Here's  to  each  lad  and  his  darling  colleen. 
Here's  to  the  ones  we  love  dearest  and  most, 
And  may  God  Bless  old  Ireland! — that's  an 
Irishman's  toast. 


4  health  to  our  sweethearts,  our  friends  and 

our  wives. 
And  may  fortune  smile  on  them  the  rest  of 

their  lives. 


Ireland  and  America. — May  the  former 
ssoon  be  as  free  as  the  latter,  and  may  the 
latter  never  forget  that  Irishmen  were  in- 
strumental in  securing  the  liberty  they  now 
enjoy. 

150 


Toasts. 

Here's  to  you  as  good  as  yon  are. 
And  here's  to  me  as  bad  as  I  am; 
But  as  good  as  you  are  and  as  bad  2.$,  I  am, 
I'm  as  good  as  you  are,  as  bad  as  I  am. 

^  

,     Irishmen — The  love  of  liberty  will  bum 
*in  their  bosoms  as  long  as  their  bright  isle 
is  washed  by  the  ocean. 


Here's  to  the  girl  that's  good  and  sweet, 
Here's  to  the  girl  that's  true. 

Here's  to  the  girl  that  rules  my  heart — 
In  other  words.  Here's  to  you. 


Here's  to  friends  both  near  and  far; 

Here's  to   woman,  man's  guiding  star; 
Here's  to  friends  we've  yet  to  meet, 
Here's  to  those  here;  all  here  I  greet; 
Here's  to  childhood,  youth,  old  age. 
Here's  to  prophet,  bard  and  sage, 
Here's  a  health  to  every  one. 
Peace  on  earth,  and  heaven  won! 


The  Ladies — We  admire  them  for  their 
beauty,  respect  them  for  their  intelligence, 
adore  them  for  their  virtue,  and  love  them 
because  we  can't  help  it. 


May  their  joys  be  as  deep  as  the  ocean, 
And  their  misfortune  as  light  as  its  foam. 

151 


Toasts, 

To  Marriage — The  happy  estate  which  re- 
sembles a  pair  of  shears;  so  joined  that  they 
cannot  be  separated;  often  moving  in  oppo- 
site directions,  yet  always  punishing  any- 
one who  comes  between  them. 


I  drink  it  as  the  fates  ordain  it. 

Come  fill  it  and  have  done  with  rhymes. 
Fill  up  the  lovely  glass  and  drain  it 

In  memory  of  dear  old  times. 


The  Lily  of  France  may  fade, 

The  Thistle  and   Shamrock  wither. 

The  Oak  of  England  may  decay, 
But  the  Stars  shine  on  forever. 


It  is  easy  enough  to  be  pleasanst 
When  life  flows  along  like  a  song; 

But  the  man  worth  while  is  the  one  who  will 
smile 
When  everything  goes  dead  wrong. 


May  Dame  Fortune  ever  smile  on  you; 
But  never  her  daughter — 
Miss  Fortune. 


Here's  to   the  lasses  we've  loved,  my  lad. 
Here's  to  the  lips  we've  pressed; 

For  of  kisses  and  lasses 

Like  liquor  in  glasses, 
The  last  is  always  the  best. 

152 


Toasts. 

The  Frencliman  loves  his  native  wine; 

The  German  loves  his  beer; 
The  Englishman  loves  his  'alf  and  'alf. 

Because  it  brings  good  cheer. 
The  Irishman  loves  his  "whisky  straight," 

Because  it  gives  him  dizziness. 
The  American  has  no  choice  at  all. 

So  he  drinks  the  whole  d business- 


May  you  all  be  Hung,  Drawn  and  Quartered ! 

Yes — hung  with  diamonds. 

Drawn  in  a  coach  and  four 

And  quartered  in  the  best  houses  in  the  land. 


The  Daughters  of  Ireland,  entrenched 
within  the  fortress  of  parental  affection :  May 
they  never  surrender  the  citadel  of  their 
hearts,  except  to  those  who  wield  the  arms 
of  sincere  love,  chastened  by  morality  and 
temperance. 


To  Our  America:     The  best  land  in  the 
world ;  let  him  that  don't  like  it,  leave  it 


May  we  ever  be  able  to  serve  a  friend  and 
noble  enough  to  conceal  it. 


The  Irish  Heart — Quick  and  strong  in  its 
generous  impulses,  firm  in  its  attachments, 
sound  to  the  core. 

153 


Toasts. 

They  talk  about  a  woman's  sphere 

As  though  it  had  a  limit; 
There's  not  a  place  in  earth  or  heaven. 
There's  not  a  task  to  mankind  given. 
There's  not  a  blessing  or  a  woe, 
!       There's  not  a  whisper  yes  or  no, 
'       There's  not  a  life  or  birth. 

That  has  a  feathers  weight  of  worth — 
Without  a  woman  in  it. 


Here's  to  the  stork, 
A  most  valuable  bird, 

That  inhabits    the    residence  districts. 
He  doesn't  sing  tunes. 
Nor  yield  any  plumes. 

But  he  helps  out  the  vital  statistics. 


Here's  to  the  girl  I  love. 

And  here's  to  the  girl  \vho  loves  me. 
And  here's  to  all  those  who  love  her  whom  I 
love 

And  all  those  who  love  her  who  love  me. 


The  Emerald  Isle — May  her  sons  and 
daughters  resemble  a  field  of  potatoes  in  full 
bloom,  beautiful  to  look  upon;  and  when 
called  on  to  assist  the  distressed,  may  they, 
like  the  roots,  prove  a  real  blessing  to  the 
poor. 

154 


Toasts. 

Here's  to  the  girl  that's  strictly  in  it. 
Who  dosen't  lose  her  head  even  for  a  minute. 
Plays  well  the  game  and  knows  the  limit. 
And  still  gets  all  the  fun  there's  in  it. 


When  going  up  the  hill  of  Prosperity, 
May  you  never  meet  any  friend  coming  down. 


Here's  to  the  giris  of  the  American  sHore, 
I  love  but  one,  I  love  no  more; 

Since  she's  not  here  to  drink  her  pari, 
I  drink  her  share  with  all  my  heari;. 


A  dieerful  glass,  a  pretty  lass, 

A  friend  sincere  and  true; 
Blooming    health,    good    store    of    wealth 

Attend  on  me  and  you. 


Here's  to  a  Pat  Hand  of  Queens :  Mother, 
Wife,  Sister  and  Sweetheart;  the  noblest  of 
all  God's  creations — ^pure,  beautiful  woman. 


Here's  a  toast  to  all  who  are  here, 
No  matter  where  you're  from; 
^May   the   best   day  you   have  seen 
Be  worse  than  your  worst  to  come. 

155 


Toasts. 

Here's  to  the  maiden  of  bashful  fifteen; 

Here's  to  the  widow  of  fifty; 
Here's  to  the  flaunting  extravagant  queen. 

And  here's  to  the  housewife  that's  thrifty ! 
Let  the  toast  pass; 
Drink  to  the  lass; 

I'll  warrant  she'll  prove  an  excuse  for  the 
glass. 


Here's  to  the  girl  who  loves  me 
And  here's  to  the  many  who  don't; 

Here's  to  the  girl  who  accepts  me. 
And  here's  to  the  many  who  won't. 


Now,  boys,  just  a  moment! 

You've  all  had  your  say; 
While  enjoying  ourselves 

In  so  pleasant  a  way; 
;We  have  toasted  our  sweethearts. 

Our  friends,  and  our  wives; 
We've  toasted  each  other. 

Wishing  all  merry  lives; 
But  I  now  will    propose  to    you 

The  toast  that  is  best — 
'Tis  one  in  a  million. 

And  outshines  the  rest. 
Don't  frown  when  I  tell  you 

This  toast  beats  all  others; 
But  drink  one  more  toast,  boys— 

A  toast  to — "Our  Mothers." 

156 


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